Chilean Government Pledges Alcohol and Cigarettes for Minors in Need

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SANTIAGO, CHILE—The Chilean minors have been neglected for months, but with a new government program entitled “No Minor Left Behind” (NMLB), the Chilean government vows to make sure each minor is given essentials that everyone needs: a six-pack of Budweiser and a pack of cigarettes. “It is essential to promote the health and well-being of every citizen, especially the children” commented one government spokesman about NMLB, which looks to be implemented before the year’s end, “By the end of the

Read more No. 40, World

Bienen Student Eyes Vuvuzela Performance Studies Major

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EVANSTON—Amidst the drama of hundreds of undergraduates struggling to decide on a major to pursue, one brave sophomore sought solace in his newly-developed track of study. “I’ve been wanting to study the vuvuzela ever since I can remember,” Freddie Marks (Bienen ’13) droned. “I just think at this point in time, a degree in vuvuzela performance would be most beneficial to me and my family.” Northwestern is known for its program where students can design their own major if unsatisfied

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Activities Fair Perfect Time to Brush Against Cute Girl’s Ass

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EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.” Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved

Read more Issue 16, Local, No. 39
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