“The Rock” Revealed to be Freshman Covered in Century's Worth of Paint

EVANSTON—An investigation into the origins of the university’s most beloved landmark was sparked last month when a graduate student stumbled upon a curious article in the Daily Northwestern’s archives. Entitled “Disgruntled Freshman Freezes to Death,” the record from 1902 details the untimely demise of one Earl Worthington, a freshman who tripped into a newly-installed koi pool during a blustery October cold snap. Ellen Katz, who discovered the article while researching the mysterious origins of Dillo Day, was stunned by her

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Heroic Student Assassinates CAESAR

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EVANSTON—Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night. “Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.” He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush

Read more Issue 25, Local, No. 39, Year 2

Area Student Sexiled to Siberia

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EVANSTON—Many residents complain about Chicago’s winter, but last week a local student experienced an inconvenience even worse than a 2 a.m. walk to BK in lake-effect snow conditions. When Northwestern student Greg Conrad left class last Friday he discovered he had been “sexiled” out of the country. Through some sort of miscommunication, Conrad was shipped off to Siberia, a frozen, desolate wasteland, where he survived only on his knowledge of “Man vs. Wild.” Conrad complained, “my roommate texted me being

Read more Issue 20, Local, No. 39

Cubs, Ricketts Turn Ushers into Billboards

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CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards. “The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even

Read more Sports, Summer 2010

Dillo Day Issue: Ugh, Regina, Shut the Fuck Up Already

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Oh shit! This is really shitty music man. How long have I been out here? It’s only 1:34? Man, she’s been singing with that piano for the longest damn time. This music sucks! She’s hot though, so it’s ok. Wait, no, I think I’m starting to lose my buzz. She’s not as attractive now. I’m not as attractive now. Shit. Shit. Shit. Run back to the house, ok, jungle juice…no. Bud light…no. Ah, here it its, Smirnoff [gulp] ahhhhh no

Read more Entertainment, No. 37, Opinion
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