Author Archives: Flippy

From the archives: “Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me? Both! History’s most sexually-charged assassinations”

Following the recent wave of assassinations, people have been quick to point the finger at whomever they most distrust, from Radical Left Lunatics to Christian fundamentalism. Here I will examine how overwhelming sexual desires that drove people to murder with 4 famous cases of sexually-charged assassinations, according to NU econ and history professor and passed-up Nobel Prize nominee Dr. John Hornington. Roman Emperor Commodus strangled by his wrestling partner “Of all Roman Emperor assassinations, this one seemed the most fitting,”

Trump Appoints Young Sheldon as Head of Homeland Security

Since November 5th, the president-elect has made several controversial picks for top positions, including Elon Musk heading the so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE). However, even many in Trump’s inner circle have objected to his latest and boldest choice: a literal fourteen-year-old child as Secretary of Homeland Security. Sheldon Lee Cooper, of Medford, Texas, turned down a Ph.D. in physics at Caltech to join the incoming administration, saying that “the decision was a no-brainer after Meemaw took me to visit

Heroism: Local Woman Explains Manifesting to Homeless Person

After driving five minutes from her Evanston home to Target, 26-year-old Rebecca White noticed what seemed to be an unhoused neighbor standing by the door. The woman then told the man that she could alleviate his suffering through one simple process: manifestation. “I normally would have just walked by, but today I heard one more voice than usual inside my head and it told me to talk to this unhoused man, that it could change his life,” she said. “So

Poll: Are students ready for the mandatory One Book Northwestern test tomorrow?

“I’m not sure. I’m just glad I marked it in all three of my calendars — gcal, notion, and my Clue period tracking app — months ago when they told us about the test in the first place. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had heard about it the night before, maybe from a friend, or an Instagram post. You know that sinking feeling when you know you’ve forgotten something of incredible importance?”

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