Author Archives: Flippy

Terrorist Attack Cripples Detroit; Americans Indifferent

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DETROIT—Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States. In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency. “Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The

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ZOMBIE ISSUE: Kama Cerebrum: Three Tips for Your Oral Pleasure

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EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.

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ZOMBIE ISSUE: Lack of Brains Ensures Safety of Jersey Shore Cast

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MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show. When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would

Read more Articles, Entertainment, No. 46

Misspelling of Lunt Hall Leads to Indignation, Violence from Women’s Rights Groups

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EVANSTON—A riot broke out on Wednesday the 11th as a typo in a local paper mistakenly misspelled the name of the Northwestern mathematics building, Lunt Hall. By accidentally substituting a single poorly-placed consonant for the “L”, writer Edward McGlonin inadvertently plunged himself into a tumultuous hell of incensed women’s rights groups, gleefully inebriated fraternity patrons, and everyone in between. When asked about the incident, McGlonin stated that “the low lighting [conditions] made the two letters look exactly the same” although

Read more Issue 22, Local, Year 2
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