Dick Cheney Begins Search for Saddam Hussein’s Hiding Spot in Heaven
This story will be updated as the hunt for Saddam Hussein’s spirit continues.
Author Archives: Diego Guerrero
From the Archives (1355): My Lord Spoke to Thy Lord and he Said we Need to Hookup to Save Our Two KingdomsÂ
My Lord, the most gentle Prince of all the realm, spaketh to thy Lord and, upon hearing his reply, made note that we are instructed to hookup in order to save our Kingdoms from the heathen invaders. Thy Lord’s message was most clear, our two shires may be separated by many a mile and rivers flowing, and may be bitter foes of ancient times, but we must put aside our respective differences to unite our forces and beat back the
Forno Pizza Faces Campus Backlash After Unveiling New Slogan “Oh Yeah, Put It In Your Dirty Little Mouth”
In a disgusting, but also kinda hot, move, Forno Pizza has faced recent backlash amongst Northwestern students after unveiling their new slogan.
Ask Flippy: Cargo Pants Beep Beep, Traingo Pants Choo Choo, Boatgo Pants Though?Â
Dearest Flippy, It was clear since I got my first pair of cargo pants that cargo beep beep–possibly even vroom vroom, depending on the engine. Traingo pants, naturally, go choo choo. It should be noted, however, that choo choo is only a part of the traingo pants. Traingo pants also chugga chugga, which often precedes the aforementioned choo choo. Boatpants, however, remain a trickier quandary to wrestle with. Boat does not go vroom or choo. Although I should note the
Flippy’s Guide to Safe Drinking at the Train ConventionÂ
Listen up, Wildcats: after my experiences at Dillo Day, I know that if this campus is known for one thing and one thing only, it’s tolerance. But if it’s known for two things, the second is finding an excuse to day drink, and as a bear who must answer letters from y’all, I’m a bit experienced when it comes to whistling my blues into a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.
Touch-Starved Man Half Heartedly Resists As Aliens Probe His Body
Noos, who teared up and wistfully looked up at the sky while recounting his experience, said that although he was first nervous when he woke up to see the fellas surrounding him in his bedroom, as soon as they placed their hands on him, he couldn’t bring himself to resist.
Scheming Eunuch Ben Auby Has NOTHING To Do With Ominous Fog Descending Over EvanstonÂ
I mean, come on, it says “Scheming Eunuch, weather sorcerer” on his driver’s license.
Op-Ed: Boeing 747? More Like, More Like Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing (740 More Times)
Hear ye, hear ye, all ye faithful rest thy knees and allow me to spin ye a yarn which ye shan’t soon forget.
Nuclear Family Splits In Incredible Explosion
You think your parents’ divorce (your fault) was bad? Just you sit your pretty little sweet hottight ass down and wait, because while most divorces can be awfully messy, NOTHING,compares to this, because this nuclear family split in an incredible explosion. Scientists at Los Alamos National Laboratory had been studying the family of Duncan McOkinerand his now ex-wife Sinead (née Meadhbh), as well as their two children Martin and Julie, forover two years before their split in an incredible explosion
If My Dad Saw That Frisbee Game, He Would’ve Hugged Me And It Would’ve Fixed Me
As you, my dear readers, would know, for those performances my father would’ve shown me ye ol’ belt. However, for that last frisbee game, he would’ve hugged me and that would’ve fixed me.