Author Archives: Diego Guerrero

Breaking: Scorned Chicagoans Contemplate Releasing Lil Durk from Prison to Kill Matthew Stafford

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After the Chicago Bears’ brutal overtime loss to the Los Angeles Rams ruined their chances of advancing into the playoffs, the most diehard Bears fans–many of whom have not felt joy since 1985–concocted a scheme so crazy it might just work. On Monday, January 19th, just one day after the loss, Chicago’s 6th and 16th Wards approved a plan to forcefully facilitate the release of rapper Durk Devontay Banks from prison in exchange for his service in assassinating the Rams’

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 424, Year 18

From the Near Future: Ambassador to the UN Nicki Minaj Performs “Anaconda” in Front of the General Assembly to Raise Awareness of Falling Birth Rates in Developed Countries

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Although less catchy than the original, the new lyrics “My demographics down, they ain’t rebouncin’ now, lawmakers frown, askin’, ‘Where’s each newborn from?’” seemed to instantly capture the attention of the assembly members.

Read more Articles, Entertainment, No. 422, Politics, Uncategorized, World, Year 18

From the Archives (1355): My Lord Spoke to Thy Lord and he Said we Need to Hookup to Save Our Two Kingdoms 

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My Lord, the most gentle Prince of all the realm, spaketh to thy Lord and, upon hearing his reply, made note that we are instructed to hookup in order to save our Kingdoms from the heathen invaders.  Thy Lord’s message was most clear, our two shires may be separated by many a mile and rivers flowing, and may be bitter foes of ancient times, but we must put aside our respective differences to unite our forces and beat back the

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 418, Year 18

Ask Flippy: Cargo Pants Beep Beep, Traingo Pants Choo Choo, Boatgo Pants Though? 

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Dearest Flippy,  It was clear since I got my first pair of cargo pants that cargo beep beep–possibly even vroom vroom, depending on the engine. Traingo pants, naturally, go choo choo. It should be noted, however, that choo choo is only a part of the traingo pants. Traingo pants also chugga chugga, which often precedes the aforementioned choo choo.  Boatpants, however, remain a trickier quandary to wrestle with. Boat does not go vroom or choo. Although I should note the

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 414, Year 18

Flippy’s Guide to Safe Drinking at the Train Convention 

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Listen up, Wildcats: after my experiences at Dillo Day, I know that if this campus is known for one thing and one thing only, it’s tolerance. But if it’s known for two things, the second is finding an excuse to day drink, and as a bear who must answer letters from y’all, I’m a bit experienced when it comes to whistling my blues into a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 412, Year 18
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