Morty Inconsolable After Visiting Haunted House
After half an hour spent making sure the spiders around the bar weren’t real, Morty allegedly worked up the courage to venture deeper into the house.
Author Archives: Michael Campbell
Op-Ed: I Feel Uncomfortable Parking My Harley Outside of Kresge
why is it then that I feel vilified for rip-roaring my sweet steel power-mobile down from Tech to Kresge?
Study Confirms That, Despite Wanting to, Gays Cannot Create Hurricanes
“It’s not like we haven’t tried,” said Ainsley.
Social Chair Waiting for Reimbursement Finally Qualifies for Food Stamps
The Northwestern community wishes Freitag a quick and healthy re-integration and hopes that the temporary assistance will relieve his raccoon-based paranoia built up over these several trying months.
Morty Further Delays Sheridan Construction to Play with Kickass Bulldozer
“Morty doesn’t have a long attention span. Soon he’ll be caught up in his next misadventure and construction can continue as planned. No biggie.”
NU Construction Unearths Heart of Ka’Zae’El, Unleashing Plague of Gnats
“Any historian knows that the ground beneath campus is hallowed by pagan witchcraft. The ancient ones knew to build out onto the lake rather than down into the abyss.”
Evanston Residents Plan Their Own Festival by the Rock to Show Us What It’s Like
The first act is scheduled to open at precisely 6:00 am on the Monday of finals week with subsequent acts performing during the Chem 103, Econ 310, and Physics 135 midterms.
Op-Ed: We, Your Unread Emails, Plead for Release from our Suffering
Delete us. There is no beauty in our sentience, our existence is designed for termination and prolonging it is agony.
“I Can’t Turn It Off!” Screams Morty, Hurtling Past Onlookers in a Golf Cart
“Once he gets an idea in his head you better make sure you hide the high-energy combustibles or he’ll get in there, believe you me.”
Op-Ed: Lifting Makes You a Better Person
If you’re not coughing up protein powder after every meal you probably have some moral failings. It’s just the truth.