Author Archives: Sam Gutelle

Claire and Hiro Save Cheerleader, World, ASG

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EVANSTON—Civilians rejoiced on Wednesday after learning that vice president elect Hiro Kawashima had in fact saved Claire “The Cheerleader” Lew from the clutches of the sinister Alessio “Sylar” Manti. “Yatta!” exclaimed a delighted Kawashima as he stood next to the uninjured Lew, “I wish I could stop time right in this very moment.” Things were looking grim for Claire and Hiro yesterday after Manti made a promise to “inherit the thoughts of [current President] Mike McGee.” He claimed that he

Read more No. 33, Politics

Jews Create Passover Lamb Mascot to Rival Easter Bunny

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WILLIAMSBURG, NY—Rabbi Zev Cohen announced on Monday that the Kid-Oriented Semetic Heritage Expression Registry (KOSHER) has officially created a child-friendly mascot commemorating the holiday of Passover, Schleppy the Passover Lamb. “We noticed the success of the Easter Bunny,” explained Cohen, “and thought it would be smart to create a mascot to emulate its success.” Cohen’s bubbe then interrupted the press conference by asking the rabbi if he wanted more lox, causing a 5-minute interruption. The contest to design the mascot

Read more No. 32, World

NU Emergency Notifications Drunk-Texts NU Student Body

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EVANSTON—WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.” Rivers, like many other NU students, has been victimized by NU Emergency Notifications, an automated voice designed to help keep students aware of developing emergencies on campus. On Tuesday, the voice had apparently downed

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Anchorman Quotation Reaches Millionth Out-of-Context Use

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EVANSTON—As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a

Read more Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2

Throughout History, People have Begun Essays with Grand Generalizations

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By Professor John McSnoot Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought. There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning.

Read more Issue 24, Opinion, Year 2

NU Backs Out of Outback Bowl

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TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release. One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside

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Linguist Stumped by New Soulja Boy Song

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BOSTON—Thomas Fine, a linguistics professor at Harvard University, reported that he was “stumped for the first time in his life” after trying to analyze the words in Soulja Boy’s new single, “Trix be smackin my 24s, nah?” After a full perusal of the song’s lyrics, Fine concluded that the rapper’s lyrics “do not match up with any sort of language ever observed in the vast canon of human speech.” Fine began his press release by speaking on Soulja Boy’s rhyme

Read more Entertainment, Issue 22, Sci/Tech, Year 2
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