Author Archives: Stephen Walsh

Breaking: Last Surviving Member of Anti-vax Boy Band Dies at 13Ā 

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Tragic news for the alternative medicine community this week as Ben Hanson, former bassist of antivax boy band Granolaz, died from measles at age 13 in his Kalamazoo, MI home. Hanson was the last surviving Granolaz member following the death of Alex Jorgensenā€”the only band member to reach pubertyā€”from tetanus-related illness in April.  Hansonā€™s mother, alternative media figure Janice Hanson, was devastated by her sonā€™s death.   ā€œI just donā€™t understand how this couldā€™ve happened,ā€ Janice told us. ā€œI gave him enough vitamin A supplements to turn

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 424, Year 18

Rolling Stoneā€™s ā€œTop 500 Epstein List Namesā€ to Include R. Kelly at #1 After Criticisms of Black Underrepresentation

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ā€œWith all the Trump administration has done to hinder our recognition of Black success in America, Rolling Stone has done our community a great disservice by underrepresenting Black people in its Epstein list article,ā€ said one longtime Black Rolling Stone reader.

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 424, Year 18

Trump to start nuclear testing on animals “Like How Sephora does it”

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President Donald Trump, calm and measured as always, announced plans to resume nuclear testing last Thursday while at a trade meeting in South Korea. Trump claimed the measure was in response to increased Russian aggression from recent (non-nuclear) missile tests and (actually nuclear) comments from Russian president Putin comparing Trump to an earwax-covered q-tip. Independent agencies have raised alarms over safety and diplomatic concerns from potential testing, but the public and the professionals are both ignoring the most dangerous part

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 420, Politics, World, Year 18

New York Mayoral Result to be Decided by Anubis, Losers’ Souls Eaten by Ammit

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With just one day to go until the New York City mayoral election, anticipation is running high and Ambien is running low. Regardless of what the final voting results are, thereā€™s one final test that all candidates must pass: Are their souls pure enough for the weighing of the hearts as described in the Egyptian Book of the Dead? For non-New Yorkers unfamiliar with the process, Anubis, the jackal-headed Egyptian god of the Underworld, will weigh oneā€™s heart against a

Read more Articles, Latest News, Nation, No. 420, Politics, Year 18

ā€œThatā€™s just the slippery slope fallacy,ā€ says 2nd monkey jumping on the bed before falling off and bumping his head

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ā€œWhat happened to the first monkey jumping on the bed, while tragic, is in no way indicative of any wider trend. As long as we avoid his recklessness and stay away from the edge of the bed, I see no way that we can suffer a similar fate.ā€  That quote was from Allen, the second monkey jumping on the bed, after his good friend, Sam, another monkey, had fallen off and bumped his head. Sam was diagnosed with a second-degree

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 415, Year 18

Ask Flippy: I (19M) recently saw the last Sarge grilled cheese sandwich (~0.001Unknown) taken by an elderly diabetic woman (104F) and proceeded to fuck her up with my glock (9MM), AITA?

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After long, draining days of blowing off classes and clubs to watch Family Guy Youtube shorts and sleepless nights of blowing off homework to watch Family Guy Youtube shorts, I need a refresher to get me going again, and nothing does it quite like a Sarge dining hall grilled cheese. Something magical is in the air at Sarge (and Iā€™m not talking about zaza) that turns two slices of white bread and kraft cheese into the ambrosia of the gods.

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From an alternate universe where Kanye West stayed sane and won the 2024 election: I really like our new national anthem, Father Stretch my Hands Pt. 1, but do I need to sing the bleached asshole part?

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Like the other 150,000,000 people who voted for him, Iā€™m happy with how Yeezy is running this country. Our economy and military have become harder, better, faster, and stronger in responding to foreign aggression. The brilliant financial strategies of the new Fed Chair Pusha T have stopped inflation and reduced the pre-existing economic conditions that created the infamous Gold Diggers.  However, I canā€™t ignore the Pablo Bill which has given us a new national anthemā€“his 2016 hit song, ā€œFather Stretch

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 408, Year 18

Tariffs on China see Temu prices skyrocketing to as high as 20 dollars

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Tariffs on China see Temu prices skyrocketing to as high as 20 dollars  By: Stephen Walsh  ā€œI was devastated, absolutely devastated. I thought to myself, ā€˜It canā€™t happen here, can it?ā€™ But it can, and it has, and may the Lord have mercy on us all for our transgressions.ā€  Those are the words of a distraught Scott Smith, a local man whose Temu shopping habits have been deeply impacted by Trumpā€™s trade war with China. As he was checking out

Read more Articles, Featured, No. 408, World, Year 18
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