French Journalists Investigated for Topless Middleton Pics: “We Regret Nothing”
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Congress Responds to Boston Explosions: âWe Need More Bombsâ
WASHINGTON — Congress acted quickly following the explosions that claimed three lives and injured many more at the Boston Marathon, resolving that the only way to fight against a bomb threat is for every person to have a bomb themselves. The bill that passed into law easily through both the Senate and the House legalized the possession of bombs by any American citizen over the age of 18. âBombs donât kill people, people kill people,â said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). âWe need
Wildcat Fan Congratulates Field Hockey Player for Her Team’s Success
EVANSTON — When Bienen sophomore Kayla Toussmann found out that Emily DeGrout, her fellow sophomore and classmate in Italian 101-3, was on the field hockey team, she felt excited to be in the presence of such a successful athlete. âThe field hockey team, like, never loses,â said Toussmann. âItâs the one sport our school is actually good at! When Emily told me, âGioco a hockey su pratoâââI play field hockeyââI was all like, âOh mio dio! Questo Ăš fantastico! Congratulazioni!ââ
Comm Majors Pass Art Class, Flipside Obtains Syllabus to Find Out How
Reports indicate that Communications majors are passing art classes with ease. The Northwestern Flipside has obtained a copy of a typical art department class syllabus to investigate how on earth this could possibly occur. The syllabus has been reprinted verbatim below. Week 1: Discuss our favorite feelings, textures. Be prepared to explain the last time you cried. Homework: Spend 30 minutes exploring your heart, and then spend 30 minutes drawing mindlessly. Week 2: History of famous artists. You are allowed
Northwestern Students for Life Doubles in Size Nine Months after Conception
CNN Planning Terrorist Attack to Ensure They Get the Facts Right This Time
ATLANTA, GA — Following their botched reporting of last Tuesdayâs Boston Marathon bombings, during which the once-venerable network continually reported unverified (and untrue) claims as fact, cable news outlet CNN has announced a controversial plan to formulate and launch a terrorist attack on US soil. Cable News Networkâs parent company Time Warner hopes that by planning and executing a deadly, meticulous strike themselves, CNNâs reporters will actually be able to get the facts right this time. According to verified sources
Lisa Assassinates Fran as Tensions Mount between North and South Campus
Bieber on Auschwitz: “This Would Have Been a Great Concert Venue”
Obituary: Lilly Pulitzer’s Death Leaves Void Unfillable Except by Flowers and Pink Pants
Sorority girls, grandmothers, and Kennedys everywhere are mourning the loss of iconic fashion designer Lilly Pulitzer, who died last week at age 81. The âQueen of Prepâ had such a widespread cultural impact that it can be difficult to imagine a world without her. How else could housewives somewhat justifiably spend $118 on scarves? What would eighth grade girls in Connecticut wear to their middle school graduations? And where would the modern world be without the creation of prints such
ASG Candidates Blame Loss on Poor Weather, Low Turnout
EVANSTON — According to inside sources, ASG presidential candidates were disappointed that poor election day weather led to low voter turnout. Candidate Aaron Zelikovich has claimed that cold weather, accompanied by snow flurries, half-frozen rain, and âgood ol’ fashioned Midwestern hail,â deterred many who would have otherwise gone out and voted for him. Similarly, political strategists for David Harris and Jo Lee were adamant that had the weather been better, voter turnout amongst seniors, who traditionally support candidates with their