Avid In-Class Facebook User Fails Econ 201 Because “Professor Hated Him”
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Armstrong Circa 2005 Upset by “Slanderous” Remarks from Armstrong Circa 2013, Threatens to Destroy Career
AUSTIN, TX — In recently acquired testimonies, anonymous sources report that Lance Armstrong in 2005 was extremely upset by public statements made by Lance Armstrong in 2013 regarding his doping allegations. The Flipside was told by these sources that ’05-Armstrong vowed to his closest confidants that he wanted to destroy the career of ’13-Armstrong for the “obviously-false” statements made by Armstrong. According to the sources, ’05-Armstrong went on a tirade against ’13-Armstrong, calling him “crazy,” “bitch,” and “a prostitute with
Part II of Armstrong Interview to Depict Angry, Defiant Armstrong Denying Doping Charges
Back from Break, Thoughts that my Angry Feminist Roommate Didnât (Did) Share
UGH. I just can’t believe we’re back already. It’s not even that I don’t want to do school work again, I mean I’m really excited to get to the nitty-gritty in “Gender Studies 205: Why it’s so Hard to be a Woman” and “History 307: A History of Every Repressed Culture in History.” It’s just that Northwestern is like SO, heteronormative.
New Sorority Pledge in Love With Her Sisters, Unsure of All Their Names
EVANSTON — Lambda Omicron Lambdaâs newest sister Maggie Kelter announced Thursday that she is âlike totally in love with her new sisters.â After receiving her bid Tuesday night, Maggie fell into a state of hysterical joy and, along with a throng of strangers whose names she would pretend to know, began shrieking over the fact that she was now a sister of LOL. Accompanied by the rest of her new LOL sisters, Maggie marched to LOLâs chapter house to celebrate.
Upcoming Sequel to âThe Last Exorcismâ Forces Creators to Change Name of Original Movie to âThe Second to Last Exorcismâ
Piers Morgan Interviews CBS This Morning Hosts about Interview with Oprah after Her Interview with Lance Armstrong
NEW YORK — Continuing the media frenzy over Lance Armstrong’s admission of doping, Piers Morgan invited the hosts of CBS This Morning to talk about their latest interview with Oprah Winfrey, whose recent interview of Lance Armstrong is set to air in a few days. “We were pretty well prepared going into the interview,” said Charlie Rose, one of the co-hosts of the morning news program, to Morgan. “We’ve read all the information out there available about the interview she’s
Professor Segues To Segue
EVANSTON — Northwestern Media Studies professor Miles Head entered into a ten-minute-long series of conceptual segues last Tuesday while attempting to explain the syllabus to his âHistory of the Hyperlinkâ class. The first segue occurred as Professor Head wrapped up his discussion of the syllabusâs âAcademic Honestyâ section, referring to a ânetwork of scholarly communication.â He then told the class, âand speaking of networks, boy, do I have quite the in-class technology policy.â Students reported that at this moment the
Performance Enhancing Drugs Sole Inductee to Baseball Hall of Fame
COOPERSTOWN, NY — Last Wednesday, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America made history by voting in the first non-human inductee to the Hall of Fame. “Performance Enhancing Drugs” (PED) was the only candidate to receive the needed 75% of the vote, ushering it into baseball’s most hallowed ground. PED built an impressive resume in its decades-long stint in the MLB, accounting for over 90,000 home runs, 325,000 RBI’s, 800 âroid rage tantrums, and 500 shrunken testicles before being forced into
Mud Wrestling to Determine the 5 Remaining Spots in Class of 2017