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Northwestern to Replace Football Team with Real Athletes

October 18, 2011 Laura McGehee Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team. “The fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,” Harrison said. “We realized

Trix Rabbit Eludes NU Defense, Eats First Ever Bowl of Trix

October 18, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

IOWA CITY, IA – Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday. “We just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,” a Northwestern linebacker, who wished

Time Traveler Attends Shaggy Concert, Mistakenly Thinks he’s Still Relevant

October 18, 2011 Laura McGehee Leave a comment

Morty’s Archnemesis City-Council-Man Once Again Threatens Northwestern

October 18, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

MORTY’S SECRET HIDEOUT – Resident superhero Morty, otherwise known as Morton Owen Schapiro, was called once again to fight the forces of evil when his archenemy City-Council-Man, threatened to “close all the brothels.” Morty, alerted to this danger by “Save the Brothels” signs around campus, immediately donned his superhero costume – a purple sweater, purple tights, and very cute rimless glasses – and went off to investigate. Before leaving his secret hideout (which this reporter can exclusively reveal to be

Castrated Boy Sinks Cup, Gets Balls Back

October 18, 2011 Vicky Szuflita Leave a comment

Girl tries to join Men Against Rape and Sexual Assault; No Means No

October 17, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

First Midterms to Be Administered on Second Day of Classes Starting Winter 2012

October 17, 2011 Rosie Lai Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern announced Tuesday that professors will be encouraged to administer midterms on the second day of classes starting in the year 2012. This new policy was made in response to the claim that Northwestern students have it easy with minimal midterms and do not live up to the reputation of the quarter system. When students voiced worries about what would be on these early exams, Professor Sarah Mangelsdorf, Dean of Weinberg, answered, “Anything anyone mentioned during Wildcat Welcome

Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies

October 17, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza. “Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.” Cain apologized

Survey Shows Majority of NU Students “Tired of This Bullshit”

October 17, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A study done by the Department of Psychology revealed that Northwestern students have increasingly “had it with this stupid fucking shit,” researcher Don Kranz said. In a sentiment brought about by “this whole goddamned mess,” it appears that Northwestern students are increasingly threatening to “say fuck it and go to state school.” “Every day, it’s just a constant shit blizzard, and it’s like I forgot my fucking boots, and I’m just wading through this giant shit storm,” an

New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

October 17, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room and that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction.