Op-Ed: Top 10 Senses I Acquired after Chewing 5-Gum
Everyone loves that feeling when they have honey all over their hands. I get to have that feeling all the time! Thanks, 5-Gum!
Category Archives: Archives
Breaking: Little Paper Straw Wrapper Worm Things From When You Did That Thing with the Water from the Straw Now Sentient, Seeking Revenge and Dehydration
Attention humans!
Biden Rejects Student Loan Forgiveness Plan, Salty Because He Just Finished Paying His Student Loans
For decades, Biden has been spotted working weekends at Sunglass Hut, presumably to pick up some extra cash. It is unclear whether or not he will continue working now that his loans are paid off.
Op-Ed: I Will Be Suing Northwestern Because My Marriage Pact Didn’t Propose On Valentine’s Day
9:14 P.M. Wednesday. November 25th. I’ll never forget receiving that fateful email: “Your optimal Northwestern Marriage Pact match is…” When I opened the email, I initially thought it was a joke–I mean, we only had 69.420% compatibility! And I’d never even heard of this guy. I mean, “Chad Fratman”?? Sounded totally fake. But Chad messaged me almost immediately, saying, “Hey bby girl u got snap” accompanied by a picture of a really cute thumb in a turtleneck. So, of course, I immediately
I Prefer Meeting People the Old-Fashioned Way, by Hiding Inside the Hall Washing Machine Until Someone Needs to Use It
“Long ago, our ancestors bided their time by their schools’ washing machines, riding out spin cycle after spin cycle in the hopes that their perfect match would need to wash their delicates and fill a void in their life too.”
The Gibby Effect: iCarly’s Return to Netflix Causes Increase in Wacky Hijinks, Tween Fatalities
A #shirtlessGibby trend has gone viral on TikTok with tweens imitating this war cry in varying degrees of undress and sweatiness. The trend has become so popular, some Gen Z scholars have even dubbed it “the next planking.”
Data Shows January 2021 Was Best Month for Mansplainers Since December 1999
Mansplainers were able to educate people on a vast range of topics including “what a riot really is,” “the legal nuance behind insurrection,” and “who actually controls the stock market.”
Mini Humidifier Working Hard
“My face is flakier than Northwestern’s male population, and my knees and elbows are so cracked that James Franco could get trapped down there for 127 hours.”
Area Woman Sustains Freak Accident: Breaks Neck, Back, Pussy, and Crack
“We got a little too excited, I slipped on some frozen geese shit, fell onto the rocks, and that was that.”
After Success Of Super Bowl Poetry Reading, NFL Announces Super Bowl Interpretive Dance, Expressionist Painting, College Improv Lineup For 2021
“People started calling us performative. And I said ya know what, if you’re going to call us performative, we might as well lean into it.”