Op-Ed: My Dad Got Vaccinated, and Could Totally Beat Your Dad in a Test of Resilience
Hey, Bradleigh Jenkins, remember me from first grade? Still think your hunky dad could beat mine?
Category Archives: Archives
Op-Ed: Hey, Those Cars in the Movie Cars Are Fucked Up, Right? Like, Where Are Their Bones?
The godless abominations have tongues, so they clearly consume some sort of food.
Ask Flippy: My Dad Finally Came Back After 17 Years, Is He Telling the Truth When He Says He’s a Cicada?
“My dad claimed that he is a cicada and that he needed to hibernate for 17 years.”
Golden Globes Snub: I Was Once Again Not Nominated for My Experimental Student Film
My mom said my film was “a nice effort.” You’re telling me my mom has bad taste?
CW Announces Revamp of “Marmaduke” as Sexy Teen Drama
Upon hearing that the same Riverdale team would be handling all writing and production, head writer Timothy Prost fell to the floor and immediately burst into tears.
Local Man Makes it Almost Too Clear That He is Not Wearing Pants On Zoom Call
His classmates described this confession as “jarring,” “unnecessary,” and to some, “inspiring.”
Professor Who Talks about Bridgerton in Class Has Not Gotten to the “Wildest Dreams” Sex Scene Yet
Bennett can only cringe in embarrassment knowing that while her professor loves Daphne’s character arc in the first few episodes, she will soon watch the protagonist cum in two minutes with zero foreplay.
FDA to Approve Vaccine in Fun, Kid-Friendly Flavors Such as “Tootie Fruity Immunity”
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” admitted Anthony Fauci in a joint statement with FDA director Stephen Hahn. “We’re not proud to be using Juul’s playbook, but damn, if they didn’t have a move or two in there.”
Quiz: Are You Named Steve?
Steve, baby, you can’t have completely forgotten about the day we had together.
New Study Shows Over 200% of Northwestern Students Ignore the “One Book” Emails
“Such emails serve absolutely no purpose, other than reminding the majority of students how shitty they are for not reading whatever book it was that they were supposed to.”