Area Freshman Deeply Relates to Lost, Chubby Squirrel Frantically Seeking Hibernation Spot
Hopefully we’ll come out of this quarter stronger, huh? And more well rested.
Category Archives: Archives
Student Back From Study Abroad Unaware Fall Quarter Was One Quarter He Could Have Smashed Crush
“I really enjoyed my quarter abroad in London. I grew as a person and learned a lot too,” Schuster said, not knowing that on October 20, 2017, he could have made hot love to Stanton in a fleeting moment of mutual passion that can never occur again.
Report: Tech Dangerously Underpopulated by Bees
“People should be very afraid. I haven’t seen a single bee in Tech at all the past few months. No bees in Tech means no honey in Tech. No honey in Tech is a catastrophe!”
Freshman Braces For Long, Brutal Season of People Complaining About Winter
“Everyone here says that the complaints I’ve heard back home are nothing compared to how much people complain during a real Chicago winter.”
White Allies Second-Guessing Decision to Dress Up for MLK Day
Mertütis and Blomquist originally drew high praise from other white allies for being so progressive as to have a woman portray Martin Luther King.
Morty Shuts Down All Frats after Not Receiving Any Bids
“We just barely got out of there before Morty’s wrecking ball crew came in and demolished the whole frat quad.”
Frat Pledge: I’m Not Loving This Ratio
“What did he think the word ‘fraternity’ meant?”
Mississippi State Bans Hog Fucking After Incident
“The kids are still going to be fucking hogs. We all know it. But now those kids are going to be fucking corn-fed hogs. Maybe even hogs grown in cages and forced to take growth hormones. Believe me, this university is going to see a spike in hog-fucking-related injuries.”
Go-Getter Just Gonna Break His New Year’s Resolutions Now
“Once I saw that Extra-Large Meat Lover’s pizza on the take-out menu, I was inspired by a burst of disinterest in my future. And the promise of bacon.”
Kentucky Gets Spectacular Last-Minute Victory in Bad Coaching Bowl
Stoops brought himself within striking distance by forgoing a game-tying PAT in exchange for a failed two-point conversion, then broke the tie by deciding not to go for an onside kick.