North West Admitted into Northwestern Class of 2035
The offer comes with a full-ride scholarship to Northwestern University, which is projected to charge tuition of over $200,000 a year by the time of West’s possible matriculation in 2031.
Category Archives: Local
Schapiro Vows to Build Theme Park on Campus
“We noticed that we were leasing out land in the geographic center of that campus to some church or something,” said Schapiro. “We’re going to have our lawyers find a way out of that, and then we’ll have a big plot of land for construction.”
ASG Elections Kidnapping Plot Foiled
“The race for padding resumés with bullshit positions has never been more intense,” said Neil Mantle, Allison’s Area Coordinator. “We were afraid something like this might happen eventually.”
BREAKING: Bad Chemistry Professor Arrested for Meth Production
Students were somewhat confused when Holmes revealed the title of the following week’s experiment, ‘Cooking with Lithium.” Confusion grew when the pre-lab assignment proved to be nothing but a shopping list of various cleaning chemicals.
Freshman to Pursue Acting Career after “Being Discovered” on ESPN College GameDay
“During those magical two seconds that the College GameDay camera was on me, I felt like I had finally realized my purpose in life,” said Weinberg freshman Horatio Del Toro. “I’d never felt more alive.”
NU Student from Ohio Exiled for Rooting for Northwestern
“I just can’t believe she could ever think any school was better than THE Ohio State University,” her former best friend said. “Just because she goes to that school doesn’t mean she can actually want them to be successful.”
President Schapiro Announces Reelection Campaign
Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”
Chicago Freshman “Really Doesn’t Care” His Parents Aren’t Coming to Family Weekend
Layne cited the fact that they never came to any of his little league games or his piano recitals either as reasons why he is “totally chill with my parents skipping out on Family Weekend.”
Freshman Girl Falls into Sweat-Induced Coma at Frat Party
“When we got to the house she kept complaining about how hot and crowded it was. She even took off her monogrammed J.Crew cardi and draped it over her shoulders, even though I told her it made her look like a DAR member,” said the girl’s roommate.
Technological Institute Makes Plans to Secede From the University
“There has always been a fundamental divide between Tech and [Northwestern]. Tech is a building large enough to house several medium sized liberal arts colleges as well as the entire population of Zimbabwe,” said Dr. Ottino.