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Category Archives: Local

Student Assigned Rhetorical Analysis of Paper Written While Drunk

April 20, 2012 Jacob Clinton Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Northwestern English professor Shelby Anderson debuted a joint policy between the NU English Department and the Evanston Police Department last Thursday. Students who turn in essays they clearly wrote while intoxicated must now analyze their paper’s diction, syntax, structure, and tone in the context of their drinking. The first person to be affected by the policy is Weinberg sophomore Daniel O’Connor, the author of a “totally incoherent” paper on the short story “Araby” from James Joyce’s Dubliners. Anderson

Four Die in Helicopter Parent Crash

April 10, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Two prospective students and their helicopter parents died Tuesday during a tour of Northwestern. The tragedy occurred after Mrs. Maddie Lees, 46, and Ms. Rebecca Schlessinger, 48, started asking a series of questions about standardized test scores that spun out of control. Mrs. Lees started to lose control when she learned that SAT IIs were recommended, but not required, even though she personally paid for a private US History tutor and do you know how much those cost.

Sex Week Hits Rough Patch Due to Lube Shortage

April 10, 2012 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Sex Week is not going as smoothly as organizers would have hoped due to an unforeseen lube shortage. The drought has the College Feminists, the group behind Sex Week, scrambling to whet the appetite of an increasingly chafed and throbbing crowd. According to event patron Tyler Carter, “Everything was going just swimmingly until the pool of KY Jelly suddenly ran empty. But now my energy is gone and I just can’t keep my enthusiasm up for the speaker

Burn at the Lagoon Eliminates Weeds, Sad Athletics T-Shirts

April 5, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Northwestern University Facilities Management announced today that the scheduled burn at the lakefill lagoon successfully burned off 14 species of invasive plants and approximately 700 Northwestern Athletics t-shirts that in hindsight should have never been made. “These controlled burnings help the ecology of the green spaces on campus,” said Ron Nayler, Associate Vice President for Facilities Management. “They also give us an opportunity to get rid of some of these ridiculous t-shirts. Like this one right here,” said

Banner New Class of 2016 to Promote Academic Biodiversity

April 5, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON, IL – The Office of Undergraduate Admissions was excited to report Tuesday that the Class of 2016, whose newest members were notified of their admission the preceding weekend, will be the university’s most diverse in over 25 years. When asked to elaborate on the precise nature of this notably vague “diversity” which characterizes the incoming freshmen, Vice-President of University Relations Alan K. Cubbage explained that this year the Admissions Committee opted for a new approach in the application evaluation process

Northwestern Finally Breaks Top 10 in Sporcle College Rankings

March 31, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The online quiz site Sporcle.com released its weekly college rankings Monday, and Northwestern University was for the first time in the Top 10. “While the number 10 is really not much different than, say, 12 or 13,” explained Northwestern President Morty Schapiro in an email to students sent at 2:00 AM, “it represents a symbolic victory in our decimal-based society. Let us celebrate our recognition as a top-tier school, where our students are able to name the US

SafeRide Driver Purchases Alcohol for Student, Makes Her Wait an Hour to Get It

February 29, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A SafeRide driver was recently arrested for delivering alcohol to a minor. According to court documents, the minor in question placed a call to SafeRide at 9:30 PM, and a driver was dispatched approximately 50 minutes later with spirits in hand. According to university officials, such wait times are not uncommon for students using school resources to get wasted. “SafeRide drivers may take hours to accomplish minutes’ worth of tasks,” Northwestern spokesman Al Cubbage explained, “but when you’re

Local Middle School Holds “Stand Awkwardly in the Corner” Marathon

February 22, 2012 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A local Evanston middle school has issued its response to Northwestern’s Dance Marathon. With the fundraiser right around the corner, the school board has decided to organize a Stand-Awkwardly-In-The-Corner Marathon to benefit the B+ Foundation. This esteemed charity, chosen by the local PTA, helps fund childhood cancer research, a cause the middle schoolers described as “ugh, whatever, mom.” Students were asked to raise money for the charity but fundraising efforts were minimal as the participants prepared for the

Where Are They Now: Northwestern Freshmen on Monday Night

February 22, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

The library Dave and Busters Wash. U. Founding a pessimism club Swimming in the ice rink Lodge Crepe Bistro happy hour

Lodge Alumni to Seek Somalian Asylum

February 14, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

Reportedly, the refugees have so far been welcomed with open arms in Mogadishu, where many former brothers have already begun accepting bids from a litany of factions.