Local Student Tries to Buy Juul, Accidentally Summons Zuul
“Look, how can you expect me to know the difference between a Juul and a Zuul? I’m a legacy, I never learned to spell.”
Category Archives: Local
Students from Midwest Itching to Act Unbothered Following First Major Snowfall
Floridian and Californian students are warned to be wary of who they complain around, lest a Midwestern student overhears and feels the need to correct their ignorance.
New Hazing Ritual to Involve Attending A Cappella Concert
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
Morty Tired of Students Only Wanting Him for His Financial Aid
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
First Thanksgiving Without Grandma Goes Off Surprisingly Well
“Mom made the cranberry pie almost as well as Grandma used to, so by next year it won’t even be noticeable.”
Students Watch Anxiously as Squirrel Attempts to Cross Sheridan on a Busy Day
“I was jumping up and down, screaming for him to go back to his burrow.”
Students Bond Over Shared SSRI Dosage
“I thought I was the only one on campus taking 150mg of Zoloft every morning,” said Michaels of her dosage.
Scientists Discover Girls’ Bathroom in Locy is a Portal to Hell
“It just seemed right,” said Satan. “Even I was creeped out by the Locy basement—I was like, ‘wow, looks like someone beat me to it.’”
Cold Weather Making Life “Really Hard” for Kids in Thousand-Dollar Jackets
“Making Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,” Schapiro said.
Entrepreneurial Genius Logs into Handshake During Middle of Lecture
Smuthers initially agreed to comment on the story, but cancelled her interview with reporters upon hearing that The Flipside is not a marketing company.