The global scientific community is on indefinite hiatus after the miraculous discovery that Northwestern University is located on an unprecedented tear in the space-time continuum where sexual intercourse is a non-extant phenomenon. Said top quantum physicist Harold Campbell of the (admittedly not-so-shocking) discovery, “We’re quite surprised that such a tear in the fabric of reality is scientifically feasible. No one, however, is surprised that the one known location in the universe to subvert years of astronomical understanding of time, space,
Category Archives: No. 265
Student Has Seizure After Drinking Reckless Mixture of Powerade and Sprite (“Blue Lightning”) at Dining Hall
A Northwestern student has been admitted to Evanston hospital after drinking a mixture of blue Powerade and Sprite in Sargent dining hall. Weinberg student Kyle Denton was eating lunch with his friends when they pressured him into drinking a cup of Blue Lightning, which is the street name for the dangerous concoction. Witness reports claim that he took a sip of the mixture (two-thirds Powerade and one-third Sprite) and almost immediately collapsed on the floor. Dining hall workers called an
Norbucks was awash with shock and disgust this week as local dickhead, Derek Havey, touched himself to the image of his overly-colorful and very crowded Google Calendar.
“I give them bonus points if I can see both where the Uber picks them up and drops them off from one spot.”
“Look, how can you expect me to know the difference between a Juul and a Zuul? I’m a legacy, I never learned to spell.”
“Relationships should be perfectly balanced between a man and a woman. Anything else defies the natural order of things,” read one tweet. Another read “Seeing homosexuals struggle in society does put a smile on my face”.
“To be honest, it is hard to remember what Underwood looked like,” stated Harper Cardinal, “but I do remember he was a virgin and that all of the women liked him a lot.”
Floridian and Californian students are warned to be wary of who they complain around, lest a Midwestern student overhears and feels the need to correct their ignorance.
For the time being, the Academy Awards will go on sans a host, demonstrating to audiences everywhere that the literal concept of nothingness is still preferable to R. Kelly’s presence.
“This is childish even for him,” said MacKenzie, “he’s turned into the Monopoly Man except with stupid aviators and weirdly muscular arms.”