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Cop Gets Denied at the Door of Tappa Tappa Keg

March 3, 2013 Ben Castleman Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Police officer Bob Hankervich went to the frat quad this previous Saturday night to investigate reports of underage drinking. As he walked up the stairs to the frat in question, Tappa Tappa Keg junior George Kerry got ready to deny another dweeb. The cop approached Kerry assuming he would step aside, but instead he stood firmly in front of the door and offered a “what’s up bro?” with an introductory head nod. According to Northwestern Police records, Hankervich

Snooki, Chef Boyardee, and Pope Benedict XVI to Star in The Real World: Rome

March 2, 2013 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

ROME — Italian and international fans alike are buzzing with anticipation for the premier of MTV Italy’s The Real World: Rome. New housemates Snooki and Chef Boyardee were both eager to start their new adventure. Snooki described it, “Oh my GAWD, like, I am just super ready to get to the house and, like, go to the club, and just get totally wasted and smush some hot Italian gorllas, since baby Lorenzo is with my mom in Poughkeepsie and what

Vatican Levels Playing Field by Instituting Affirmative Action in Pope Election

March 1, 2013 Janesh Rahlan Leave a comment

VATICAN CITY — With Pope Benedict XVI resigning this week to focus on his rap career, the Vatican is scurrying to find a worthy replacement. However, due to the cost of the Church’s golden and elaborate hats, the Papacy’s finances are in trouble. As a result, the Vatican is pushing for more affirmative action to obtain grants from organizations advocating for racial equality worldwide. The first choice for Pope is a man from Ghana, Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson. When

New Sorority Freshman Gains “Pledge Baby 15”

February 28, 2013 Dean Meisel Leave a comment

BOBB SECOND FLOOR BATHROOM — Following a Pledge Mom week filled with candy and cookie surprises, Omega Tau Mu freshman Courtney Fields found herself staring at the bathroom mirror, moaning and sobbing. All week, Fields posted pictures of her awesome gifts to Facebook all with captions such as, “LOVEEE my Pledge Mama whoeva you are <3!!!” Recently, however, Fields changed her tone, posting a picture of her love handles with the caption, “Fuck you.” Her recent weight gain has really

Rides in Planned Abbottabad Amusement Park Include “Dick Cheney’s Water Board Adventure”

February 27, 2013 Flippy Leave a comment

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN — The world was stunned last week when the Pakistani government announced its plans to fund a $30 million amusement park in the small military town where Osama Bin Laden was killed. Yesterday, the Pakistani Department of the Interior released more details about the park, including the park’s main attractions, which are printed below: Osama’s Fun Compound – Combining elements of both carnival fun houses and Halloween haunted houses, visitors will be able to explore a reconstructed version

What Do You Think About No One Attending the ASG Open Forum?

February 26, 2013 Sam Block Leave a comment

“That’s too bad. It would have been interesting to hear what the student body thought about ASG’s plans to divest from the panda fur coat industry.”

10 Things We Learned From the Oscars

February 25, 2013 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

Too busy studying for DTC to understand why RTVF majors have their panties in a bunch (“Depaul and Colombia? Seriously?”) or why Hugh Jackman would even attempt to follow up Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jennifer Hudson? No worries, here’s the Oscars run-down: Even if you are nominated for an Academy Award, even your characters are named something ridiculous like Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi or after a shampoo brand (what up, Pantene), do not decide what to wear three hours before the

The State of the Associated Student Government Senate

February 24, 2013 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Esteemed senators, desperate wannabes. Three years ago, I attended a senate meeting. I don’t remember what the meeting was about, and I doubt anyone still remembers it. All I remember is that a lengthy argument broke out over whether a non-senator in attendance in place of an absent senator could vote in a procedural vote based on Robert’s Rules of Order.

Some New Building to Be Built on Campus, Costs Gazillions

February 23, 2013 Adam Pecena Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern University administration announced today that construction on some long-awaited expensive building of questionable utility is to finally start next month. Spokesman of the Department of New Structures, Allyson Spencer, told The Flipside, “This is a great moment for all 25 people that will actually be using this building, and for the 100+ members of the future cleaning and maintenance staff. Thanks to donations from a random wealthy alumnus, we have the opportunity to provide state-of-the-art facilities for

The State of The Daily Northwestern

February 22, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Editors, Reporters, Photographers, Designers. I stand before you this evening to deliver The State of The Daily. Now, I must confess that I’m not on staff, but I did write one story freshman year, so I feel both honored and qualified to deliver this address.