Hey guys! Sorry, Iām little hungover from the two handles of beer I had last night. I mean, that doesnāt even compare to the time my mom bought me vodka. I had three shots! Shit got so crazy, I canāt even tell you. (Except Iām going to tell you.) So me and my bros were just chilling when my ārents were out to dinner, and we were getting kind of bored so I was like, “Yo, bros, letās get schwasty.”
EVANSTON — At dining halls across campus, conversations among visiting prospective students soon transitioned from ACT scores and other colleges under consideration to the inevitable pressure to demonstrate how cool they are. Research from the Flipside Institute of Statisticology suggests that only one in fifty students will remember someone next year that they met on admitted student day. Some incidents of actually recalling the other personās name have been reportedāboth during Wildcat Days and months later. Facing these daunting odds,
Dedicated to the worldās proudest Dad WOW. This is so cool. This is the coolest ever. My daughter is the best ever. I wonder if sheās having as much fun as I am? I wish I was standing up front with her so I could ask! (My wife made me stay in the back with her because during our tour of UCLA, I pushed three accepted engineering students out of the way so I could stand right behind the tour
Hey everyone. Is this tour a snooze fest or what? Who cares about the number of libraries, weāre all just here to party. Am I right guys? Who am I kidding? Of course Iām right! I even let my daughter have a party last weekend because she told me she hated me! Hey Stace, how fugly is that girlās handbag? (I call my daughter Stace because, letās face it, you canāt call your bestie Stacey #ew.) Anyways, I heard there
Ugh. I could totally get in here. This is dumb. I donāt even know why you would want to come to school here. Like Willie the Wildcat? Seriously? Dumb. This place is probably full of UChicago rejects. My (insert standardized state tests here) scores were in the 99th percentile. I got a letter from the Governor, the actual Governor of (insert state with said standardized test here). Northwestern would be my super safety. Iām the smart one. Mom told me.
“Because certain major donors left us out in the cold this year, we had to shrink to half staff. However, we know how to use the girth and resources that we have to provide Northwestern with an amazing Sex Week experience.”
EVANSTON — Monday’s visit to campus for prospective student Adam Jarolds was highlighted by the merry musings of his father, Bill, a 1981 NU alumnus. The Grand Rapids, Michigan native spent hours regaling his son with stories of “his glory days” and his antics at “the good ole alma mater.” Between bites of breakfast, Mr. Jarolds recounted several of his college escapades, most notably “the time we lit a piano on fire and pushed it into the lake.” While his
The Early Admit probably bleeds purple, but not in the metaphorical school spirit kind of way; she actually may have ingested something to alter the pigment of her innards (her skin looks weird).
EVANSTON — When she first heard about Northwesternās donor week, Weinberg freshman Susan Hamilton was excited about the recognition she thought sheād receive for her active participation in school blood drives. However, she was dismayed to find about that donor week was not, in fact, about those who have donated blood, but about those who donated money to the school. āHow selfish can this university be?ā exclaimed Hamilton. āIām pretty sure blood donations have done much more for the world
EVANSTON — Everyone at Chris Collinsā press conference was waiting to ask the obvious question: what will he do to improve NU basketballās CTECs? Coach Bill Carmody, who was fired after thirteen years of employment, saw the reported amount of time in practice drop dramatically on his CTECs, as well as low ratings for stimulating interest in the subject and overall rating of the instruction. For years, players have had plenty of time to fill out their basketball CTECs, since