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Purchaser of “The Scream” Also Buys Nation of Tuvalu

May 18, 2012 Brian Earl

FUNAFUTI, TUVALU – Willy Telavi, Prime Minister of Tuvalu, was informed Friday that his nation had been sold at auction to the same man who purchased “The Scream.” Although the famous Munsch painting sold for a record $119.9 million May 2, Tuvalu went for a paltry $15 million, though this is admittedly more than twice as large as Tuvalu’s annual budget. The purchaser is determined to remain anonymous, unwilling to divulge to the public his true identity and just how

Creepy Friend Request Guy Actually Requesting Kidney, Nbd

May 16, 2012 Rachel Beal

SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a press conference last Monday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced several new updates to the timeline template, the most noteworthy being a new feature which indicates whether or not the user is an organ donor. “Eighteen people around the world die each day waiting for a heart, liver, or kidney transplant,” said Zuckerberg in a press conference, “and by adding this new feature, I hope to change that. Kind of like Bono and…AIDS, right? Bono

Scientists Debate Origins of Obama's Same Sex Marriage Stance

May 14, 2012 Alex Finkelstein

WASHINGTON – President Obama has stated that his views on same sex marriage are “evolving,” culminating in an interview where he announced his support for the practice. The scientific community has since been abuzz looking for theories as to why this transformation occurred. The first main camp contains the gradual evolutionists. Evolutionary Biologist William Smith summarized this position, saying, “Obama has had a long political career and has gradually adapted to a changing environment via natural selection.” He added, “Those

[Graduation Issue] English Senior Not Sure What to Do with Collection of Penguin Classics Books

May 11, 2012 Brian Lee

“When I first signed up for British Literary Traditions back in freshmen year, I had to get copies of six novels, all published by Penguin,” recalled Lapinski. “When the quarter ended, I realized that these books are timeless classics and totally worth the space under my bed.”

[Graduation Issue] Study: 50% of Graduating Seniors Already Alcoholics

May 9, 2012 Andrew Schneider

“The real world is gonna hit these poor schmucks like a sack of bricks,” Shamberg noted, sneaking sips from a hip-flask between questions.

[Graduation Issue] Senior Turns in Thesis Statement

May 8, 2012 Brian Earl

“I’m so good at thesises,” said Weinberg Senior Kevin Pandolph. “But I hate writing the rest of the paper. I can’t believe you can get honors just for writing a thesis!”

[Graduation Issue] Graduating Engineers Recruited by NASA, Theater Majors by Starbucks

May 7, 2012 Rachel Beal

“This might come as kind of a surprise, given the rigor of the Comm curriculum,” theater major Kirk Hammill told The Flipside, “but I was actually kind of worried about finding a job after graduation.”

Ski Team “Sorry We Got Caught”

May 4, 2012 Alex Finkelstein

“We apologize in particular for misrepresenting the nation of Bangladesh. We missed out on a veritable gold mine of Muslim stereotypes, and it will not happen again,” wrote the event coordinators.

Prospie Turns Out to be Asshole, Admission Revoked

May 3, 2012 Katie Prentiss

“He insisted on going to as many frat parties as he could, and even suggested starting a Racist Beer Olympics in my dorm,” said the prospie’s overnight host, John Altman.

Most Awkward Moment in History Occurs When Student Diversity Leader Walks in on Racist Olympics

May 2, 2012 Justin Erb

“It is simply quite astounding,” said Dr. David Howard of Harvard’s Awkward Sciences program. “The awkward blast from the sudden confrontation of a diversity leader walking in on a bunch of elitist white people making fun of everything he stands for was just over 9.75 Michaelcerawatts.”