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First Midterms to Be Administered on Second Day of Classes Starting Winter 2012

October 17, 2011 Rosie Lai Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern announced Tuesday that professors will be encouraged to administer midterms on the second day of classes starting in the year 2012. This new policy was made in response to the claim that Northwestern students have it easy with minimal midterms and do not live up to the reputation of the quarter system. When students voiced worries about what would be on these early exams, Professor Sarah Mangelsdorf, Dean of Weinberg, answered, “Anything anyone mentioned during Wildcat Welcome

Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies

October 17, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza. “Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.” Cain apologized

Survey Shows Majority of NU Students “Tired of This Bullshit”

October 17, 2011 Richie Hoffman Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A study done by the Department of Psychology revealed that Northwestern students have increasingly “had it with this stupid fucking shit,” researcher Don Kranz said. In a sentiment brought about by “this whole goddamned mess,” it appears that Northwestern students are increasingly threatening to “say fuck it and go to state school.” “Every day, it’s just a constant shit blizzard, and it’s like I forgot my fucking boots, and I’m just wading through this giant shit storm,” an

New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

October 17, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room and that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction.

Sexual Assault Awareness Group Receives 300K of Federal Money—Totally Not Suspicious

October 12, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

In a completely understandable move in the midst of the largest recession of the past seventy years, the US Federal Government gave $300,000 to Northwestern’s Campus Coalition on Sexual Violence. Spokesperson for the US Department of Justice, Paul Barts, commented that the use of the funds was absolutely, totally legitimate, as politicians and governmental workers never take bribes or keep people quiet with money. Joseph Gupta, the head of a campus group called United Conspiracy Theorists, says the money is

Obama Discussed As Dark-Horse GOP Presidential Candidate

October 10, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – With the first Republican primaries right around the corner and the current batch of Republican candidates offering the less-than-compelling choice between “the crazy one” and “the one who didn’t win last time,” the GOP has realized it will need a charismatic personality to dethrone sitting president Barack Obama. Specifically, they need former Illinois Senator Barack Obama. The possibility of an Obama run for the Republican nomination was first discussed by Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who claimed that

Yankees Pull Total Dick Move on Red Sox

October 10, 2011 Steven Goldstein Leave a comment

BOSTON – Major League Baseball’s investigation of the New York Yankees has finally concluded, with the official report ruling that the Bronx Bombers are still total douchebags. This examination came at the request of the Red Sox, who would not stop bitching about their historic September collapse. Believing that the Yanks fixed their regular-season finale against the Tampa Bay Rays, team representatives sent a formal request to commissioner Bud Selig, who was pleasantly surprised to learn that the playoffs had

Authorities Fail to Confine Santorum

October 10, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“Today, America’s parents can finally begin to sleep soundly, knowing that I, Rick Santorum, am watching the asses of America’s youth.”

EU Votes Against Bailing Greece Out of Jail

October 10, 2011 Flippy One comment

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – The International Criminal Court today announced that it would continue holding Greece in prison indefinitely as it was unable to find a country willing to pay the $532 billion necessary to make bond. Greece, awaiting trial for numerous crimes including kidnapping and false imprisonment of a Lacoste mannequin, assault and battery of an Albanian Gypsy, and grand larceny of a dozen Nair products from an Athens CVS, refused to comment through its lawyer. “It is tragic

Anthro Major Studies Northwestern Students Studying

October 9, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Weinberg senior Allison Dinker has discovered that Northwestern students are a “disgusting and lazy breed of humans.” The anthropology major is currently writing her dissertation on a culture never before studied academically, NU students. She is conducting her research at the Northwestern University Library. Dinker began her research last Spring, when she was studying for finals at the library. “I noticed that someone had etched some strange glyphs that spelled ‘ORGO SUX DIX’ into the desk in Study