Category Archives: Articles

1859 EDITION ONLINE ONLY: Willie the Wildcat Mistakenly Shot, Seasoned, Enjoyed by Local Trapper

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EVANSTON—Scholars and community members alike today mourn the death of Willy the Wildcat, Northwestern University’s beloved mascot. Willy, actually a thirty-five pound seven year old lynx, was shot dead early yesterday afternoon when famed trapper Mathias Weatherspoon set out to prepare something for dinner. “Dad always said, an animal with spirit is a well fed animal,” remarks Weatherspoon, 27, “and a well fed animal is worth the bullet.” According to university officials, a large cattle branding adorning its right hind

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McCormick Students Celebrate Centennial by Playing Video Games, Practicing Abstinence

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EVANSTON—Yesterday was another glorious day for the studious residents of Slivka Science and Engineering Residential College. Birds were chirping. Pencils were scribbling away at organic chemistry problems. Nintendo 64 controllers were being thrown in frustration during rousing matches of Super Smash Brothers. There was not a public display of affection to be found. There was nothing atypical about this kind of day, or any day in the past one hundred years. McCormick, Northwestern’s school of Engineering, has begun celebrating its

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Swim in The Lakefill Just This Once, Com’on

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By The Lakefill Monster Ok, so let me get this straight. There’s a luscious pool of what is clearly imported glacier water from Switzerland in the middle of campus and you’re not gonna take a dip because the school says you shouldn’t? You’re killing me. Get your youthful sense of adventure together and just seize the day! Worst case scenario – you’ll get high on life. I never let a bunch of puritans in suits push me around, and you

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Safe Ride Driver Arrested for DUI

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EVANSTON—Last night around 1:45 AM, SafeRide driver Jimmy Sloan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol while transporting Northwestern sophomore David Bernstein from a ZBT frat party to his south campus residence. According to Evanston police officer Ralph Williams, Sloan attempted to street race on Sheridan Road with an Intercampus shuttle which was not willing to join him. Said Sloan, “I give him the look, you know? The bus driver made eye contact with me so I knew

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Palin Memoir to Include Color-By-Numbers, Hidden Pictures

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JUNEAU, AK—Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. Originally slated to be a 400-page chronicle of Palin’s political and personal life, the memoir underwent a complete overhaul of its content and scope, leading to its completion months ahead of schedule. “The initial intent of the memoir was to touch upon Palin’s personal beliefs, family life, and experiences growing up in Alaska and in politics,” said Maria Tonne, a spokesperson

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Northwestern to Expand Eastward, Build Archipelago

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EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro unveiled plans to supplement the Evanston campus’ lake fill with a private archipelago across Lake Michigan at his inauguration on Friday, Oct. 9. The plan will raise awareness about sustainability by using organic material from old-growth rainforests to fill the archipelago’s islands, Schapiro said. Citing the cramped conditions of the Sept. 19 ‘Rock the Beach’ dance party thrown for freshmen during Wildcat Welcome Week, Shapiro noted in his inaugural address that “the time is now” for

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Poster Sale Purchases More Interesting Than Buyers

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EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything
 No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as

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President Obama Wins Flipside Readership Award

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WASHINGTON—The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be

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Blagojevich Sells Olympics to Rio

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COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder. “I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat
or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs.

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Alleged Harris Hall Renovation Revealed to be Cover for Hoffa Search

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EVANSTON—This week, an anonymous tip led to the discovery that the alleged restoration of Harris Hall, the home of the NU history department, is in reality a hunt for the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa, the long-missing President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters. The unnamed tipster would only identify himself as a member of the Hoffa Disappearance Investigative Committee (HDIC). Despite his oath of confidentiality to the university, he was unable to keep the information from the public custom term

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