Category Archives: Articles

1859 EDITION: Compromise of 1850 Deemed a Success

Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—Congress announced today that the Compromise of 1850, passed nine years ago to help foster cooperation between the North and the South, has been “a complete success” that “will not lead to any large-scale civil wars in the near future.” The bill, which features concessions toward both pro- and anti-slavery factions, has so far been met with overwhelming approval. “Zero score and nine years ago,” said Abe Lincoln (R-IL), “we passed this awesome series of bills, and they still kick

Read more Politics

1859 EDITION: Hipster Refuses to Listen to Brahms; “Popular Music is an Abomination”

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Up-and-coming composer Johannes Brahms keeps pumping out the pop hits, but some of today’s hippest youths simply are not buying it. Despite the popularity of his breakout hit “Piano Concerto No. 1,” these so-called hipsters are avoiding Brahms at all costs. “He’s just so commercial, you know?” said 19-year-old Bartholomew Hibbons. The youth, sporting straightened black mutton-chop sideburns, continued, “It’s just so predictable. Honestly, if I hear another A minor with a raised sixth and augmented ninth chord I think

Read more Entertainment

1859 EDITION: Pasteurization Causes Autism, Claims Leading Witch Doctor

Leave a comment

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Sir Martin Digby-Walsington, resident witch doctor at Oxford University, is on a mission to prove the dangers of science’s latest affront on humanity. Pasteurization, he claims, not only fails to keep so-called “germs” out of milk, but also causes autism in babies. Invented by Louis Pasteur, the eponymous process purports to prevent disease by heating milk to 138˚ Celsius. Immediately adopted by dairy farmers and hailed as an “incredible breakthrough” by the British Royal Academy’s Nigel Pennington, pasteurization has

Read more Sci/Tech

1859 EDITION: Fiction Review: On the Origin of Species

Leave a comment

This week’s book is an enthralling epic narrative by Charles Darwin entitled On the Origin of Species, in which the protagonist travels on a fantastical voyage to a magical island off the coast of South America. While on the surface this story may seem to be one of a slightly eccentric man cavorting with animals, as would the character of a children’s book, it is my belief that much literary significance can be found in many of the characterizations. The

Read more Entertainment, Opinion

1859 EDITION: UChicago No-Shows, Forfeits Match

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a showing of the sissy reputation sure to become widespread in 31 years when The University of Chicago is founded, the Maroons failed to show up to their baseball match-up against Northwestern on Monday night. It’s a pathetic 65th loss in a row for UChicago, and Northwestern captain William Newberg said he wasn’t surprised. “Whether it’s a little rain, a minor injury, or simply not even existing until 1890, it’s always something with them. Our team has been formed

Read more Sports

1859 EDITION: As Carriage Costs Rise, Students Demand U-Buggy Pass

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Chicago’s Carriage Dispatch announced it will raise its prices three halfcents this month in an effort to remedy its debt. The transportation company had been hoping to be included in the federal bailout package, but the stimulus moneys were instead offered to South Carolina, who requested financial assistance with building a militia. “We overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,” explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire

Read more Business

1859 EDITION ONLINE ONLY: Willie the Wildcat Mistakenly Shot, Seasoned, Enjoyed by Local Trapper

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Scholars and community members alike today mourn the death of Willy the Wildcat, Northwestern University’s beloved mascot. Willy, actually a thirty-five pound seven year old lynx, was shot dead early yesterday afternoon when famed trapper Mathias Weatherspoon set out to prepare something for dinner. “Dad always said, an animal with spirit is a well fed animal,” remarks Weatherspoon, 27, “and a well fed animal is worth the bullet.” According to university officials, a large cattle branding adorning its right hind

Read more Local

McCormick Students Celebrate Centennial by Playing Video Games, Practicing Abstinence

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Yesterday was another glorious day for the studious residents of Slivka Science and Engineering Residential College. Birds were chirping. Pencils were scribbling away at organic chemistry problems. Nintendo 64 controllers were being thrown in frustration during rousing matches of Super Smash Brothers. There was not a public display of affection to be found. There was nothing atypical about this kind of day, or any day in the past one hundred years. McCormick, Northwestern’s school of Engineering, has begun celebrating its

Read more Local

Swim in The Lakefill Just This Once, Com’on

Leave a comment

By The Lakefill Monster Ok, so let me get this straight. There’s a luscious pool of what is clearly imported glacier water from Switzerland in the middle of campus and you’re not gonna take a dip because the school says you shouldn’t? You’re killing me. Get your youthful sense of adventure together and just seize the day! Worst case scenario – you’ll get high on life. I never let a bunch of puritans in suits push me around, and you

Read more Local

Safe Ride Driver Arrested for DUI

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Last night around 1:45 AM, SafeRide driver Jimmy Sloan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol while transporting Northwestern sophomore David Bernstein from a ZBT frat party to his south campus residence. According to Evanston police officer Ralph Williams, Sloan attempted to street race on Sheridan Road with an Intercampus shuttle which was not willing to join him. Said Sloan, “I give him the look, you know? The bus driver made eye contact with me so I knew

Read more Local
« Older Entries Recent Entries »