Wolf Blitzer Shouts “Breaking News” Before Taking Shit
Members of his family have repeatedly tried to help Blitzer break his “bad habit,” but all attempts at doing so have been fruitless.
Category Archives: Politics
Trump Bumps “Debates” Up List of Democratic Institutions to Destroy
Blaming an unfair system rigged by the nation’s 240-year tradition of majoritarian democracy, Mr. Trump has decided to move “debates” from their current place beneath “taxes.”
Doñald Trump Adds ñ to Name in Appeal to Latinos
His campaign almost immediately began running attack ads showing Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton coughing onto children with somber mariachi music playing in the background.
Abroad Student Decides Uganda Isn’t So Bad
Sources report that this revelation occurred when he saw Donald Trump insult veterans, Muslims, Republicans, and fucking babies in just the past week.
Hillary Leaves Burnt Offering on the Tomb of Reagan
It has often been noted that Hillary is “likeable enough,” but struggles to inspire people with the shameless optimism and charm of Reagan.
Off-Campus Parties, Islamic State Too Much for Tisdahl
Sources close to the out-going mayor see how hard Tisdahl works to ease the Town and Gown and Town and Hijab relations.
Obama to Clinton: “I’d Look Fly” in Supreme Court Robes
Over the past few months, Obama has dropped Clinton not-so-subtle hints that he would like to be considered as her Supreme Court nominee once Donald Trump’s campaign sufficiently implodes.
College Republicans Change Affiliation to College Independents
“We feel that being the College Republicans only worked to exclude other groups who hated Trump as much as we did,” said exec member and leading advocate for the name change Joe Przybyszewski (WCAS ’17).
Trump Drops Out Just to Fuck with Us
Surrounded by a haunted-looking Chris Christie, an ebullient Hillary Clinton, and several Miss Universe contestants, Trump began his speech by saying “Well, that was easy.”
Bernie Sanders Doing Electoral Math with Common Core
Bernie is as optimistic as ever, saying he still has a reasonable chance at winning the nomination, though critics have raised concerns that his electoral math was calculated using Common Core methods.