Sports | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Sports

NU Day at Wrigley Causes Students to Question Merits of Cubs, Fans, Life

May 14, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was. “Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?” “Nothing,” Atkins added. Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition

EA Sports Announces New Willpower Attribute in Madden 2011

May 6, 2010 Steve Won One comment

MAITLAND, FLORIDA—Electronic Arts, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.” “We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.” Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power

Commissioner Stern Reinstates NBA Doesn’t Care Charity

May 6, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy. “I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the co How To Talk To An Ex Girlfriend You Want Back mmunity.” Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this

ESPN Projects Pittsburgh Pirates to Win World Series

April 12, 2010 Alex Finkelstein 2 comments

PITTSBURGH—The Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance. According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young

Men’s Figure Skating Fashion Round Up

March 1, 2010 Katie Singh Leave a comment

From the Northwestern Flipside Olympics correspondent. Find out who were the best and worst dressed male figure skaters.

Knicks Replace Team with Life-Size Replicas

February 24, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

NEW YORK—In an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll. When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it

Blue Team and Gold Team Play Football Game, Reports Area Girlfriend

February 6, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan. “At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was,

Colts Win Super Bowl

February 6, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

Peyton Manning undoubtedly threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns Sundays as the Colts most definitely defeated the Saints.

Despite Troubles, Tiger Receives New Endorsement

January 1, 2010 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Image-conscious afternoon television host Jerry Springer formally announced Saturday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a four-year, $25 million endorsement deal, ensuring that The Jerry Springer Show will have the backing of Woods’ now-considerable white-trash marketing power for the foreseeable future. “Let’s face it, Tiger is now the most marketable and well-liked athlete for my audience,” Springer said. “He’s someone who exhibits many of the lowlife qualities our show presents on a daily basis. It’s an honor

NU Backs Out of Outback Bowl

January 1, 2010 Sam Gutelle 2 comments

TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release. One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside