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Category Archives: Sports

Commissioner Stern Reinstates NBA Doesn’t Care Charity

May 6, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy. “I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the co How To Talk To An Ex Girlfriend You Want Back mmunity.” Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this

ESPN Projects Pittsburgh Pirates to Win World Series

April 12, 2010 Alex Finkelstein 2 comments

PITTSBURGH—The Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance. According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young

Men’s Figure Skating Fashion Round Up

March 1, 2010 Katie Singh Leave a comment

From the Northwestern Flipside Olympics correspondent. Find out who were the best and worst dressed male figure skaters.

Knicks Replace Team with Life-Size Replicas

February 24, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

NEW YORK—In an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll. When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it

Blue Team and Gold Team Play Football Game, Reports Area Girlfriend

February 6, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan. “At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was,

Colts Win Super Bowl

February 6, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

Peyton Manning undoubtedly threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns Sundays as the Colts most definitely defeated the Saints.

Despite Troubles, Tiger Receives New Endorsement

January 1, 2010 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Image-conscious afternoon television host Jerry Springer formally announced Saturday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a four-year, $25 million endorsement deal, ensuring that The Jerry Springer Show will have the backing of Woods’ now-considerable white-trash marketing power for the foreseeable future. “Let’s face it, Tiger is now the most marketable and well-liked athlete for my audience,” Springer said. “He’s someone who exhibits many of the lowlife qualities our show presents on a daily basis. It’s an honor

NU Backs Out of Outback Bowl

January 1, 2010 Sam Gutelle 2 comments

TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release. One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside

Tiger Woods Admits to 18th Mistress, Blames Phallic Imagery of Golf

January 1, 2010 Laura Jok Leave a comment

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—In a press conference today, Tiger Woods retracted his previous earth-shattering statement: “I’m human and I’m not perfect.” Woods claimed that he recently realized that these generic labels were insufficient to describe him. “I’m also a man,” he said. “And I’m a Neo-Freudian now.” The famed golfer sought psychiatric treatment when the details of his unsavory personal life came to the attention of the media. Woods believes that this decision has changed his entire perspective buy custom essays online on his

Freshman Point Guard Misunderstands Meaning of “Pregame”

November 8, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.” Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d