Morty deems scooters “too straining” on football players, instead gives them piggy-back rides through campus
Athletic trainers and strength coaches workshopped several ideas before they arrived upon the piggy-backing.
Category Archives: Sports
Northwestern Required to Provide Eight Metric Tons of Corn for Nebraska Football Team to Graze
Northwestern obliged with a long-standing Big Ten policy and provided the Cornhuskers with eight metric tons of corn to satisfy the team’s so-called “craze for the graze.”
World Cup Postponed After Ball Rolls Into Old Man Jenkins’ Yard
“No way I’m going over there,” Silva told reporters. “Old Man Jenkins is scary. He kills boys that sneak into his yard and cooks them into a stew.”
NU Hires Sister Jean Away from Loyola with Promise of Celibate Campus
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jean’s contract, “Northwestern Sex Week” will be officially renamed “Northwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
Morty to Pat Fitzgerald: Please Stop Throwing My Shoes Over Telephone Wires
In addition, sources in Schapiro’s office claim that the university president asked Fitzgerald to stop giving him wet willies, Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies.
Kentucky Gets Spectacular Last-Minute Victory in Bad Coaching Bowl
Stoops brought himself within striking distance by forgoing a game-tying PAT in exchange for a failed two-point conversion, then broke the tie by deciding not to go for an onside kick.
Bunch of Nerds Finally Asked to Dance
Many observers credit the dweebs’ newfound success to their coach, Chris Collins, who, in a few short years, helped greatly improve their looks and confidence.
NASCAR Celebrates First Openly Liberal Driver
Tandel Jr. drives the first Smart Car to be rigged up with an 850 horsepower engine.
Northwestern Basketball Finally Relevant Enough to Disappoint
“This isn’t what we’ve come to expect from the team. I’m really not sure how to explain it”, said head coach Chris Collins, visibly perplexed by the team’s current record of 16-4.
Blackhawks Fans Furious Over Indians’ Mascot
Northwestern students have been very vocal about the horrific portrayal of Native Americans by the Cleveland franchise. Some of them are also die-hard Chicago sports fans.