Category Archives: No. 424

Breaking: Scorned Chicagoans Contemplate Releasing Lil Durk from Prison to Kill Matthew Stafford

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After the Chicago Bears’ brutal overtime loss to the Los Angeles Rams ruined their chances of advancing into the playoffs, the most diehard Bears fans–many of whom have not felt joy since 1985–concocted a scheme so crazy it might just work. On Monday, January 19th, just one day after the loss, Chicago’s 6th and 16th Wards approved a plan to forcefully facilitate the release of rapper Durk Devontay Banks from prison in exchange for his service in assassinating the Rams’

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 424, Year 18

Breaking: Last Surviving Member of Anti-vax Boy Band Dies at 13 

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Tragic news for the alternative medicine community this week as Ben Hanson, former bassist of antivax boy band Granolaz, died from measles at age 13 in his Kalamazoo, MI home. Hanson was the last surviving Granolaz member following the death of Alex Jorgensen—the only band member to reach puberty—from tetanus-related illness in April.  Hanson’s mother, alternative media figure Janice Hanson, was devastated by her son’s death.   “I just don’t understand how this could’ve happened,” Janice told us. “I gave him enough vitamin A supplements to turn

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, No. 424, Year 18

From the archives: “Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me? Both! History’s most sexually-charged assassinations”

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Following the recent wave of assassinations, people have been quick to point the finger at whomever they most distrust, from Radical Left Lunatics to Christian fundamentalism. Here I will examine how overwhelming sexual desires that drove people to murder with 4 famous cases of sexually-charged assassinations, according to NU econ and history professor and passed-up Nobel Prize nominee Dr. John Hornington. Roman Emperor Commodus strangled by his wrestling partner “Of all Roman Emperor assassinations, this one seemed the most fitting,”

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, Local, No. 424, Year 18

Rolling Stone’s “Top 500 Epstein List Names” to Include R. Kelly at #1 After Criticisms of Black Underrepresentation

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“With all the Trump administration has done to hinder our recognition of Black success in America, Rolling Stone has done our community a great disservice by underrepresenting Black people in its Epstein list article,” said one longtime Black Rolling Stone reader.

Read more Articles, Featured, Latest News, Nation, No. 424, Year 18