Katie Couric Takes Northwestern Tour, Daughter Might Enroll
“Where will we stop next?” Couric tweeted. “I don’t know, but I’m really looking forward to some Edzo’s! #NOM #OSUSucks #alsoWisconsinandMinnesota”
Tag Archives: Class of 2016
Northwestern Motto Gravely Puzzles Incoming Classics Major
ROCKFORD, IL – Julius Marder was deeply troubled Monday morning when he realized he didn’t know how to translate Northwestern’s motto, Quaecumque sunt vera. “I’ve taken AP Latin and placed into Latin 201-3 here,” said Marder, who will be moving onto campus Thursday with the rest of the Class of 2016. “But I don’t know what my new school’s motto means! It gave me a headache.” Marder first encountered Northwestern’s motto on a piece of promotional material mailed to him,
Prospie Turns Out to be Asshole, Admission Revoked
“He insisted on going to as many frat parties as he could, and even suggested starting a Racist Beer Olympics in my dorm,” said the prospie’s overnight host, John Altman.
Record Number of Students Apply to Tell Lies about Northwestern
Conklin hopes to tell visitors that Northwestern’s average ACT score is 35.8, 97% of graduates earn over a million dollars per year, and that famous alumni include both Joe Biden and Barack Obama.
Banner New Class of 2016 to Promote Academic Biodiversity
EVANSTON, IL – The Office of Undergraduate Admissions was excited to report Tuesday that the Class of 2016, whose newest members were notified of their admission the preceding weekend, will be the university’s most diverse in over 25 years. When asked to elaborate on the precise nature of this notably vague “diversity” which characterizes the incoming freshmen, Vice-President of University Relations Alan K. Cubbage explained that this year the Admissions Committee opted for a new approach in the application evaluation process