Boehner Rams New Legislation Down House’s Throat
2011: Where are the flying cars?
By Dermot Dinklewax Hello, my fellow male and female humanoid creatures. I think it’s time we faced some uncomfortable facts. We were lied to. It is AD 2011 – a year that should only be written in Futura Bold – and yet our automobile transportation remains squarely on the ground. COME ON, guys. It’s the future. Let’s get on that. I want to be chillin’ like Bruce Willis in The 5th Element within the next year, or I’m leaving. I’ll
Speaker of the House Boehner Has a Funny Name
Northwestern Already Trailing 21-0 in Next Year’s Bowl Game
“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started.”
Nation’s Men: Airport Pat Downs Totally Cool As Long As It’s A Chick
LOS ANGELES – In a recent Pew research poll, 73% of American citizens cite new TSA search regulations as invasive and unnecessary, but found an overwhelming 98% of males polled are “strongly in favor” of the pat down option, as long as the officer is female. While we saw a strong trend at 85% of women feeling more comfortable with a member of their own sex conducting the search, almost all men responded with the same favor of women. “In
Drunks Vandalize Jewish Center, Forget About the Lawyers
Drunks Vandalize Jewish Center, Forget About the Lawyers
Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits About Reading
Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits About Reading
Following Defeat, O’Donnell Relapses into Witchcraft, Masturbation
“Curiously, she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”
Girl Vomits on Phi Psi; Second Hate Crime of Halloween Eve
EVANSTON—In a shocking display of prejudice, Ashlee Jones, Delta Zeta sorority sister, threw up on the front steps of Phi Psi’s fraternity house Saturday night. Jones, who was dressed up as “sexy Big Bird,” consumed three Jello shots at Delta Upsilon, five Natty Lights at Pike, and one “something fucking delicious” at Lodge. “This was obviously an attack on Phi Psi. She didn’t get the alcohol from us. Her stomach contents were her metaphorical pen, hate her message,” said Phi Psi