Lesbians deemed “Man’s New Best Friend”

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EVANSTON—Anyone who has spent a significant portion of time around the fairer sex will have surely heard a woman express a desire to have a gay best friend. Women and girls around the world claim they would love to have a gay pal to discuss fashion, provide emotional support, and just generally feel comfortable around, and in recent years the “GBFF” has become a rather trendy fad. In the past, men have expressed discomfort about these friendships, some fearing being

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Students Excited for Winter Misery

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EVANSTON—Registration for Winter Quarter begins this week at Northwestern, and students are absolutely thrilled. “I hate all my classes!” joyfully exclaimed Weinberg freshman D.J. Grunthel. “I’m tired of them and ready for new classes that I will learn to hate!” Upperclassmen concur that classes never get any better. “I’ve had my share of quarters here,” said Medill junior Sarah Shamara. “I can’t remember enjoying any of them. But I am super psyched for a change in my classes! There certainly

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Area Man Somehow Fails to Get Laid Dressed as Bill Clinton at Halloween Party

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EVANSTON—Donning a fresh new suit, an American flag pin, and a Bill Clinton mask, McCormick sophomore Shane Feinberg strolled out of Allison Hall a confident man Saturday night.  He was 0 for 13 so far in his Northwestern flirting career, but there was no doubt in his mind that Saturday would be the night a female would rendezvous with his slick Willie. For that night he was not Shane Feinberg, the awkward Jewish kid whose greatest scores had come on calculus

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Statistician 95% Confident He Fucked Your Girlfriend

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EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend. “I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.” The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively. “These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary

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SafeRide Considers Name Change after Three-Fatality Crash

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EVANSTON – In an unprecedented move on Monday, the president of SafeRide announced that the organization was considering a name change after one of its vehicles T-boned a minivan, killing two of its own passengers and the driver of the other car. “Safety obviously isn’t part of our image anymore,” said Michael Grossman, the president of the organization. While numerous apologies and public statements have been made since the accident, this is the first that denotes any change in policy.

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