Oreo vs. Cocaine: Which Should You Choose?
Category Archives: Archives
Northwestern Football Disappoints, Still More Exciting than World Series
US Government Spying on Everyone and Their Mom
“It is merely a bug,” insisted NSA Director and US Army General Keith B. Alexander. “Everyone and their mother have never been, are not, and will never be under constant surveillance by the US Government. Probably.”
Pat Fitzgerald Declares “God is Dead” Following Iowa Loss
“There is no meaning or hope in this universe devoid of stability, sacredness, and our best two players,” said Fitzgerald. “There is only the inevitability of misplaced anticipation and false prospect colliding headfirst with the reality of despair and inevitable defeat.”
Kanye West to Recruit Interns through Chicago Field Studies
West outlined the positions he was looking to fill in a long series of tweets. “I need interns to drive my Benzes around, even when I am not in them… I need interns to act as food testers… I need interns to feed me grapes while I listen to my own albums…”
Medill Announces JR Partnership with Foxconn
Starting this winter, students will have the option of working for Taiwanese manufacturer Foxconn in a “hands-on” role designed to “give students valuable media production experience” by having them produce DVD cases, Kindles, and iPods.
NFL is Apparently Still Happening
“It’s been a really exciting season so far,” proclaimed Goodell. “There’s that one guy who’s in a little trouble with the law. Then there’s the one whom everyone loved, but he’s not doing very well this year. Oh, and that other guy is having a great season!”
Latin Kings Crime Gang Recruiting More Northwestern Students than Christianity
The Latin Kings, an international organized crime gang based in Chicago, have been recruiting more students at Northwestern than the religion of Christianity.
University to Build On-Campus Liquor Store
“This is GREAT news!” said Weinberg sophomore George Philburn, Bobb resident. “It’s such a chore to have to walk all the way into Evanston to get some booze. Now I can get hammered before my Orgo lecture. That should really help the information set in.”
POINT / COUNTERPOINT: NUDM Registration
With registration for Northwestern University’s 40th annual Dance Marathon closing Oct. 25, many students are debating the merits of dancing for 30 hours. The Flipside asked proponents of two opposing viewpoints to present a list of reasons for and against participating in DM.