ASG Elections Kidnapping Plot Foiled
“The race for padding resumés with bullshit positions has never been more intense,” said Neil Mantle, Allison’s Area Coordinator. “We were afraid something like this might happen eventually.”
Category Archives: Archives
House GOP Concerned Female Fed Reserve Chair Might Waste Dollars on Shoes, Birth Control
Members of the House Tea Party Caucus, who frequently represents the period-costume-wearing wing of the Republican Party, began circulating a memo urging Republican senators to reject the nomination.
Forrest Gump Has Had Too Many Boxes of Chocolates
Scientists Found Key to Treating Alzheimer’s, Forgot Where They Put It
Republicans Privately Advocating for Return to Articles of Confederation
The Articles do not contain a president, a Supreme Court, congressional power of taxation, or congressional power to regulate trade. Such a proposal thus represents a minor increase in Republican demands during negotiations.
The Government is Back, Unfortunately It’s the Same One We Had Before
BREAKING: Bad Chemistry Professor Arrested for Meth Production
Students were somewhat confused when Holmes revealed the title of the following week’s experiment, ‘Cooking with Lithium.” Confusion grew when the pre-lab assignment proved to be nothing but a shopping list of various cleaning chemicals.
NU Men’s Basketball to US Government: “Suck It Up, We’ve Been Shutdown 75 Years”
New Soft-Core Porn Magazine Started Featuring Locked-Out Freshmen
“Can I please have the backup set of keys for room 437 and some pasties?”
POINT / COUNTERPOINT: “Should Northwestern Offer Study Abroad in Canada?”
Professor Arthur Butz, Holocaust denier, and Professor Ari Silverman, Arthur Butz denier, square off on whether NU should offer study abroad options with our northerly neighbors.