Category Archives: Archives
Taco Bell Comes Out With New Seven-Layer Diet Burrito
IRVINE, CA—Taco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito. “The fast in ‘fast food’ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,” said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder. The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer
‘Snooki’ Denied Role as Oompa Loompa in Wonka remake
JERSEY SHORE—Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.” Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro
Walking Paradox Buys Diet Energy Drink
TOPEKA, KS – Tammi Daniels, Kansas native and breathing contradiction, purchased a Diet Rockstar energy drink on Thursday. Sources close to Ms. Daniels confirm the beverage’s branding suits her extreme life of excess to which no rules apply except for watching her figure. Daniels, an active Republican, further added a kiss of irony to her day by consuming the drink while discussing tax breaks for small businesses after having purchased it at Wal-Mart, a leader in crushing local family-owned enterprises.
Breaking News: Demos Makes Field Goal
Area Man Just Lost The Game
No, Area Mom Will Not “Chill Out”
Debate Professor: “I Know You Are, But What Am I?”
Amish Build Wooden Fireplace
Corrections from Last Week’s Flipside
CORRECTIONS: In last week’s piece on the recent high-energy particle tests conducted by University of Chicago scientists, the requisite slew of juvenile rival-school trash-talk was left out. The Northwesten Flipside regrets this omission.