“Honestly I’m only in this program to expedite the process of my death, get two sheets of paper from Morty, and go into the real world with no real achievable path for my life goals.”
Despite some red flags—Wright claims that Pines did not even catch the fish he proudly displayed on his primary Tinder photo—she advanced him to the next round.
Bradford has been on the Power-Vaping Club all five years since he arrived at Northwestern back in 2013, redshirting his freshman year after being placed on IR with a lung injury.
“Oh, by the way, do you know of any other funerals happening this weekend? I need some more sound bytes of people crying for my podcast assignment.”
The last time the two campuses marched under the flag was while doing a lap together at the 2007 Relay for Life.
“I really wasn’t interested in Greek life because it’s inherently problematic and built on a history of racism and misogyny. But also like everyone signed up and I totally didn’t want to feel like a loser.”
“Sometimes while doing the wash, I’ll look in the machine and see the purples swirl; and I swear the shirts are taunting me, mocking my puny existence.”
“I saw it was from my grandpa, and I knew I had made a mistake when I mentioned my gender studies class to my family over the holidays.”
In addition, sources in Schapiro’s office claim that the university president asked Fitzgerald to stop giving him wet willies, Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies.
“We trust that you guys are responsible enough to spank yourselves with a paddle, so we’re not gonna check for bruises,” said fraternity president Jason Clover