No. 44

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Statistician 95% Confident He Fucked Your Girlfriend

EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend. “I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,”…

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NU Best in Midwest, Second in Qatar

NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch…