EVANSTON—After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers. The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of
JERSEY SHORE—Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.” Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro
CHICAGO—Image-conscious afternoon television host Jerry Springer formally announced Saturday that he has signed golf superstar Tiger Woods to a four-year, $25 million endorsement deal, ensuring that The Jerry Springer Show will have the backing of Woods’ now-considerable white-trash marketing power for the foreseeable future. “Let’s face it, Tiger is now the most marketable and well-liked athlete for my audience,” Springer said. “He’s someone who exhibits many of the lowlife qualities our show presents on a daily basis. It’s an honor
EVANSTON—James Norton woke up in the hospital Sunday morning after new group N(e)Urythmic’s Saturday night performance with two full leg casts and a throbbing headache. Nick Simons, a fellow group member, charged him with a baseball bat while he was changing out of his sequined leotard. The motive was apparently related to the wild success of Glee, the new Fox television program. Simons said this morning that he just couldn’t stand the pressure of the Northwestern a cappella world. “Nothing
EVANSTON—Northwestern University prides itself on its nationally acclaimed theater program. Widely recognized by students across the country, Northwestern theater prepares young artists to cope with rejection, the typical outcome of real-life performance auditions. One hopeful freshman, Jeff Sachs, is actually convinced that I was aware of and had time to attend The Taming of the Shrew, a student-organized show he worked on. Sachs, a dazed theater major, clearly faltered in logic with that thought, failing to recognize that my attendance
EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.
MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show. When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would
HOLLYWOOD – The Zombie Apocalypse appears to have finally occurred, yet at least one human will make it out alive. Joan Rivers, the television personality and actress, is reportedly in good health and spirits following the zombie epidemic.
CHICAGO—This week, Sesame Street, which brought America wonderful things like “The Letter W” and “The Number 9,” is over the hill. The beloved television program planned to celebrate its 40th birthday with cake and parties until Sharon Kim began to questions its involvement with children. “It’s just not right, a 40-year-old playing with children in dark alleyways,” stated the mother of three. Kim’s comments have drawn interest from parent organizations all over the country, and Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has
BOSTON—Thomas Fine, a linguistics professor at Harvard University, reported that he was “stumped for the first time in his life” after trying to analyze the words in Soulja Boy’s new single, “Trix be smackin my 24s, nah?” After a full perusal of the song’s lyrics, Fine concluded that the rapper’s lyrics “do not match up with any sort of language ever observed in the vast canon of human speech.” Fine began his press release by speaking on Soulja Boy’s rhyme