“I’ll have 8 AM classes every day, which is good because I like to wake up early and get things done,” said Jenkins. “It worked well in high school so I know I’ll have no trouble getting up early in college.”
“The Onion’s Tips for College Freshmen” was published to help the class of 2017 seem a little less awkward than the class of 2016 (we have character). However, for the latest litter of Wild Kittens, a lot of this trustworthy advice needs some supplemental information.
THE INTERNET — Incoming freshmen Kerry Stahlin and Nicole Silva officially became roommates yesterday. Silva quickly accepted Stahlin’s offer to room together, a product of months of Facebook inbox flirtation. “Kerry is just so me. I feel like I’ve known the girl my entire life,” Silva explained. Although Stahlin and Silva have never met, their online communication clearly conveys that they are an undeniably perfect pair. The relationship began shortly after early decision letters were released. Silva messaged Stahlin in
EVANSTON — Due to Tuesday’s MLB All-Star Game, #ASG was a trending tag on Twitter. The Northwestern Associated Student Government said it was the greatest moment – literally the greatest moment, free of any controversy or procedural bickering – in the history of the organization. “We were ecstatic,” said Matthew Silver, ASG’s Vice President of Coincidental Social Media Publicity. “This is the kind of moment that my office, and all of Northwestern, has been waiting for.” The fact that the
EVANSTON — Northwestern’s top-tier sororities have made it clear that they strongly oppose the Panhellenic Association’s proposal for the setting of a price ceiling in the cute guitar-playing boy market. The cute guitar-playing boys, referred to as GPBs, face a huge spike in demand during Big/Little Week, during which sororities anonymously shower their new “Littles” with gifts, food, movie parties, and the chance to be serenaded by a GPB in front of other Littles. Sarah Smith, an Economics major and
EVANSTON — Earlier this week, students discovered graffiti on the sides of Northwestern’s iconic Arch. The graffiti was written in Chinese, reading “I’m only here since I didn’t get accepted into an Ivy school.” Michael Li, one of the students who saw the message, said, “It was easy to miss since everybody is either texting or pretending to read the flyers on the sidewalk to avoid making eye-contact with anyone, but I looked up at just the right moment and
EVANSTON — A gathering last Tuesday invited students to congregate in a free-form but intentionally vague way on the lawn that is somewhere kind of near the rock. This event encouraged students to do whatever they felt like doing during this ambiguous gathering of specifically organized use of public space. Hosts felt it was important to send a message to university administrators that our public spaces should be more freely accessible to students by angrily yelling grievances and reading poetry.
EVANSTON — Student groups including ASG, Alianza, and the Diversity Club held an open forum on the topic of diversity last week that has successfully ended any acts or thoughts of racism on the Northwestern campus. “This is just a massive relief for everyone on campus. Racism and ignorance have been such divisive issues here, and I’m glad that because we talked about it, we don’t have to worry about it anymore,” said ASG President Ani Ajith. Students all around
EVANSTON — No, that new monstrosity next to University Hall isn’t a tenement! It’s just Northwestern’s newest building: Kresge Hall. The magnificent structure opened its doors just yesterday, and boy is it a sight to see! Kresge Hall can seat a staggering 1300 students in more than 30 classrooms, but the crowning jewel of this freshly minted structural feat is the architecture. The decision to house the classics department there is manifested in the clear Greco-Roman influence in the building’s
EVANSTON — Northwestern University announced yesterday the hiring of a new USSR Studies professor, Gary Saul Morson. “We are pleased to be adding this brilliant, up-and-coming scholar to our faculty team,” said President Walter Dill Scott. Morson, who was born in 1895, received his Ph.D. from Yale last year before, purportedly, teaching in Pennsylvania. Safely within Cook County lines, Morson confessed to The Flipside that his job there was only a cover for his true mission: finding communist spies. “It’s