Category Archives: Local

[Roaring ’20s Issue] NU Students Vote to Divest from Whale Oil, Double Down on Coal

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EVANSTON — Students from NU’s center for social activism, the Millard Fillmore Institute, brought a ground-breaking proposal before the ASG senate this past week to divest Northwestern’s endowment from whale oil companies. The proposal follows from successful earlier measures brought about by the institute to disinvest from the East India Trading Company and the elephant poaching industry, and its primary authors, Engineering Senior Grahame Weathersby and Arts and Sciences sophomore Millicent Price, say that they hope the bill will protect

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Dillo Day Ball Pit Provides Exciting Place to Hook Up, Contract Meningitis

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EVANSTON — Northwestern students attending Dillo Day this year were pleasantly surprised by Mayfest’s latest addition to the day’s experience: a ball pit. Members of the student body expressed their excitement, with some saying that the classic childhood playground staple was perfectly suited for the drunken hookups they have been planning since the day after last Dillo Day. “Dude, it’s amazing,” exclaimed Weinberg senior Scott Landry. “It combines the thrill of publicly sucking face in front of all those high

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Stacey’s Cool Mom Is Gonna Have Fun at Dillo

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By Stace’s Mom Guys, have you heard they are making guests under 19 have adult chaperones at Dillo this year? Well, since my daughter Stacey (Stace because we’re besties) is only 17, it looks like I’m back on campus, party people! First and foremost, I’m thinking the gals and me’ll start off the day with some dorm “consumption.” Obviously totez discrete. I’m willing to supply if Stace will stop telling me that she hates me and to stop wearing her

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To Chet Haze’s Dismay, Mayfest Announces Headliner

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EVANSTON — Though insider reports indicate that Mayfest’s executive board came this close to actually having to ask Detroit-based rapper Danny Brown to do a reading of The DaVinci Code by the moonlight, the group finally released a statement Friday afternoon that they had accomplished the sole task for which they receive $300,000 in funding each year: booking a nighttime headliner. Following the Dillo-eve announcement of rapper Wiz Khalifa as the festival’s final act, NU students voiced their concerns on

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Sadistic Mayfest Exec Board Tortures Students, Announces Headliner Saturday Night

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EVANSTON — In an effort to sadistically torture Northwestern students, Mayfest decided to announce that Wu-Tang Clan is headlining Dillo Day only seconds before the iconic rap group took the stage on Saturday. The decision was made in part because the concert organizing board has a really sick and twisted desire to play with the hearts and minds of both music enthusiasts and borderline alcoholics alike, not to mention the entirety of ETHS and cool moms everywhere. “Creating a really

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SESP Junior to Lose Hope for Humanity after Attending Dillo Day Sober

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THE LAKEFILL — At approximately 3:37 PM, June 1 2013, SESP Junior Michelle Cunningham will lose all hope for humanity after making the tragic mistake of attending a Dillo Day performance completely sober. Without the ignorant bliss afforded by alcohol-impaired facilities, Cunningham will be able to accurately perceive the Hieronymus Bosch-styled carnival of nightmares that we affectionately refer to as “Mayfest.” As recently as her 21st birthday celebration last month, Cunningham, who hopes to one day teach middle school English,

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Smart Dillo PSA Advises, “It’s a Sprint, Not a Marathon”

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EVANSTON — The Smart Dillo campaign has released their latest public service announcement just in time for Dillo Day. In their newest PSA, “It’s a Sprint, Not a Marathon,” the safety-awareness student group reminds everyone that the goal of Dillo Day is to not be a pussy and take things slow, but rather to get drunk as quickly as possible. “It’s a Sprint, Not a Marathon” features an animated talking armadillo voiced by PSA veteran Rebel Alley. In her cutest

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Back agin bitjes, DILLOOO

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Editor’s note: This article was written by an actual drunk student, and, as such, has been left completely unedited. itss been too long since we’ve published a drink article, (auto-correct) dillo day for reals, typing on my phone. More later. Aaaand some chick is throwing up in the byshes pre 11am. Classsss. Some lady just asked me of I could see her flask. I couldn’t. We’re friends now. I forgot to tell you Chet haze grabbed my friends butt true story bro. Gah

Read more Drunk Dillo, Local, No. 113

Univision Presents: Gobierno Estudiantil Asociado

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SALA DEL NOROESTE, EVANSTASIONE — All was set to go as planned in the ASG Senate meeting this past week. All the officer vacancies for next quarter were filled except for three, and candidates had all been nominated. But then, tragedy struck. Just as MartĂ­n Lobos, nominee for Vice President of Diversity and Inclusion, was about to be confirmed, Natalie Suarez burst into the senate meeting, her flowing red ball gown swirling in the Santa Ana winds from the nearby

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