Category Archives: Local

70-Year-Old CSO Successfully Prevents a Crime

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EVANSTON – Jack Weller, a Community Service Officer working the Wednesday-evening night shift in the Foster-Walker lobby, was honored by the Evanston Police Department Tuesday for unprecedented heroics. Weller is now the first CSO in over a decade to actually thwart an ongoing crime, a task that the celebrated hero attributed to “I have no idea how that actually worked.” According to reports filed with the EPD, John Weller was unobtrusively reading at the front desk when he heard shouts

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[Future Issue: 2161] “Sup, Brah” Hits Theatres

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EVANSTON – After much anticipation, a new historical documentary entitled “Sup, Brah” directed by esteemed archeologist Dr. Thelonious Unk finally hit theaters last night to the delight of viewers worldwide. The documentary premiered at Cinemark Century Theaters. This was the first movie to be played there since the great nuclear conflict of 2086. An estimated 1.5 million people attended the premiere to further learn about the once-great civilization of the “Bros”. The film began with footage from a historical investigation

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[Future Issue: 2161] BK Introduces Extra-Super-Jumbo-Biggie-Large Size

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EVANSTON – In an effort to keep up with McDonald’s Super-Duper combo size, Burger King recently introduced the Extra-Super-Jumbo-Biggie-Large size. This new gigantic portion of food features a 3-pound bag of fries and a 136-ounce bucket of your favorite soft drink to complement your burger. Burger King CEO Mike Borowitz is pleased with the new size’s large success since its unveiling in Evanston last Friday, adding that the board of trustees knew the town would be the perfect neighborhood for

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Morty Reveals Personal Ten Year Plan

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In addition to releasing the ten year plan for NU, President Schapiro also unveiled his personal plans for the next decade. His agenda is below: 2011: I’ll kick things off with a little guest appearance on the new Chet Haze track. That’s right. My bro Chester and I bout to make dem hoes WET. We call it “President Kush” 2012: I hear the world is supposed to end. I plan to remedy this by containing all of the floods and

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NU Sororities Protest Kim Kardashian’s Divorce

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EVANSTON — After news broke of Kim Kardashian’s decision to divorce husband of 72 days Kris Humphries, picketers have overrun Northwestern’s sorority quad. Wishing to show their disapproval of the divorce, sorority girls are all coming together to attempt to form a coherent opinion about something in the news. Sophomore Ashley Carroll of Kappa Gamma stated, “I just don’t think it’s fair that Kim is disappointing all her fans by getting a divorce. It just sets a bad example for

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Students Excited for Money, Food, and Clothes Weekend

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EVANSTON – Northwestern students are eagerly anticipating the annual Money, Food and Clothes Weekend, which will take place this year from November 11-13. The money, food and clothes will be flying and driving from all around the country, some even traveling overseas to reach campus.  The money, food and clothes will accompany students to this weekend’s home football game against Rice; a few commodities will sit in on Friday afternoon lectures.  These valuables will also ask their students if they

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Medill Students Uncover UChicago Plot to Suck the Fun Out of Evanston

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EVANSTON – A team of students from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism released a report Tuesday revealing a widespread conspiracy by the University of Chicago to suck the fun out of Evanston. According to the report, numerous members of the Evanston City Council had close ties to UChicago, whose students often jokingly refer to their alma mater as “where fun goes to die.” The administrators apparently received substantial campaign contributions from members of the university’s administration. In turn, the UChicago

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Freshman Still Believes She Will Visit Chicago Sometime

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EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year. “During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained.  “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure!  Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold.  It gets really cold in Chicago,

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73% Find Sorority Preview “Terrifying”

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EVANSTON – According to a study performed by the Psychology Department at Northwestern University on Tuesday, 73% of participating freshmen were “absolutely terrified” by sorority recruitment preview. “It’s really understandable,” Panhellenic Council President Sarah Borges commented. “Six hours of inane small talk, uncomfortable fashion, and tightly-stretched fake smiles? It’s a lot like Dante’s fourth circle of Hell.” Following this Saturday’s six-hour marathon of lightning rounds of frivolous chitchat, outdated traditions like door chants, and judgmental looks over awkwardly eaten food

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