Local | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Local

BREAKING: Mayor Tisdahl Received Campaign Donation from Ghost of Francis Willard

January 30, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Flipside Exclusive! EVANSTON – Reports indicate that Mayor Tisdahl has received a large sum of campaign donations from the ghost of renowned prohibitionist Francis Willard over the past few years. Leaked internal documents shows that Willard, lobbying on behalf of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, has provided thousands of dollars for Tisdahl’s campaign. Tisdahl has denied that her rigid stance against drinking, brothels and happiness was influenced by the donations. “I have always fought hard for the peace and safety

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day Causes Annual Peak In White Guilt

January 18, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – This past Monday, Caucasian students all over Northwestern’s campus banded together to feel collectively uncomfortable as the nation celebrated Martin Luther King Jr. Day. While a service day on Saturday and a Monday night vigil were held in King’s honor, the biggest tribute to his legacy was the multitude of slight sensations of guilt held within the hearts of all the privileged Aryan Northwestern students. “I spent the whole day feeling a vague sense of unease. Maybe I’m

Dumb Freshmen Excited by First Snowfall

January 18, 2012 Justin Erb Leave a comment

EVANSTON – With January halfway over, Northwestern University experienced its first snowfall of winter quarter last Thursday, much to the excitement of stupid, stupid freshmen. “I am, like, so excited for all this snow!” exclaimed well-meaning-yet-slightly-dim Weinberg freshman Jessica Garber. “I grew up in SoCal, so I’m super pumped for this snowfall. Literally every upperclassman I know has told me how shitty the weather gets here, but I’m sure the snow will be awesome forever.” “Snow is so unbelievably fun,”

4000-Year-Old NU Student Found Preserved in Norris Ice Rink

January 16, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old. “This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved state of the body will give us a great idea of what college life was like during the dawn of man.” Tooth explained that the

Diversity Initiative Prompts Sororities to Accept Marginally Less Stereotypical Sisters

January 13, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them to select members that are drastically different from the existing sisters. When asked if they believed the chapters would find this new law difficult to

Fraternities, Sororities Show Freshmen How Cool They Are by Not Hanging Out With Opposite Gender for a Week

January 12, 2012 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol. Occasionally, students were granted admittance to a fraternity, resulting in a bunch of guys running outside, touching each other in close quarters, and singing songs. McCormick Freshmen

Fantasy Sorority League Sweeps Northwestern

January 11, 2012 Flippy One comment

EVANSTON – As Northwestern students are welcomed back to school for the 2012 winter quarter, people are looking forward to the new crop of pledges into the Greek system. However, some NU students are participating in a new fad sweeping the nation, the Fantasy Sorority League, or FSL for short. Based on more well-known fantasy sports, such as fantasy football or baseball, the FSL records important statistics from both the pledging side and the recruiting side of the sorority recruitment

Man Gratifies Self In Shower After Fulfilling Workout

November 28, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

The witness told The Flipside that “every time we tried to talk him down, he just kept stroking his ego more and more.”

Pat Fitzgerald Arrested for Acts of Humanitarianism

November 23, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions.”

Northwestern Unveils New Meme Studies Major

November 23, 2011 Richie Hoffman 22 comments

EVANSTON – In a move to appeal to an increasingly Internet-centric youth, Northwestern University will be offering a major in Meme Studies, Assistant Dean for Curriculum Joan Linsenmeier announced yesterday. Northwestern will become the first major university to offer a degree in the up-and-coming science of Internet memes. This announcement comes in response to years of student petitions for the university to offer a full major in studying Internet memes – which, for those uninitiated in Internet culture, is defined