Category Archives: Local

Anthro Major Studies Northwestern Students Studying

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EVANSTON – Weinberg senior Allison Dinker has discovered that Northwestern students are a “disgusting and lazy breed of humans.” The anthropology major is currently writing her dissertation on a culture never before studied academically, NU students. She is conducting her research at the Northwestern University Library. Dinker began her research last Spring, when she was studying for finals at the library. “I noticed that someone had etched some strange glyphs that spelled ‘ORGO SUX DIX’ into the desk in Study

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Freshmen Freeze En Route to Off-Campus Frat Houses

EVANSTON – Northwestern emergency response personnel were on heightened alert this past week after an abnormally high number of freshman were found frozen along Sherman Avenue. NU faculty wonders why these freshmen would subject themselves to such a high-risk journey; many, however, believe that they were given no choice. Fraternity brother Sam Coppermen spoke to the Flipside yesterday morning about the recent tragedy. “There is a serious ethical dilemma here. Freshmen need to flee to off-campus refuges to escape tyrannical

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Rifle Sales Erupt as Girls Hunt for Authentic Feather Hair Extensions

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EVANSTON – Rifle sales across the country have risen as the trend of adorning one’s head with feathers has soared to new heights of popularity. Even though most girls sport only what grows from their scalp, being unique is no longer as easy as buying a fake feather from hairfeathers.com. In fact, many girls are now putting real feathers in their hair. To be viewed as true trendsetters, girls are setting down their purses, picking up their rifles, and heading

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Typo Mislabels Seth Meyers “Grand Dragon” of NU Homecoming

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EVANSTON — The Daily Northwestern stirred up controversy recently when a gaffe by one of their reporters, who mistakenly named Seth Meyers to lead the parade as “Grand Dragon,” slipped by the publication’s copy editors. Meyers will be serving as the parade’s Grand Marshal, but many have jumped to conclusions upon seeing Meyers’ name associated with a title normally bestowed upon high-ranking members of the Ku Klux Klan. Upon reading the article, Grand Cyclops Darrol Freedman Jr. of the Evanston

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SCAPE Project Interrupted By Second Coming of Christ

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EVANSTON — Last Sunday Northwestern University freshmen were forced by the Evanston mayor to pretend they give a rat’s ass and volunteer in their new community through the inaugural SCAPE Project. However, the students were interrupted in their attempted philanthropy by Jesus’ return to Earth. Despite their moaning and bitching about the probable rainfall, disgruntled students, after awakening from the comas Mayor Tisdahl’s speech had put them into, were herded out into downtown Evanston early Sunday morning to “Give Back,

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Insomniac Students Mistaken for Raccoons

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EVANSTON — Since the beginning of Fall classes, students have reported to the Evanston Animal Control Bureau an alarming increase in the number of large, nocturnal creatures wandering around campus. Many students, aware of the abundance of wildlife in the area, have shrugged these unidentifiable fiends off as raccoons, due to the black circles around the creatures’ eyes. Most witnesses report the raccoons meandering near the library or rolling down the stairs of Tech, leaving trails of graphing paper all

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Class of 2015 Facebook Page Causes Mass Confusion

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EVANSTON – The relatively late start of fall quarter caused not only boredom, anxiety, and a head start on the Freshman Fifteen, but it also inspired incoming freshmen to let out their bottled emotions through the help of the “Northwestern University Class of 2015” Facebook page. This led to seemingly bizarre and embarrassing posts that forced freshmen to worry about the sanity of their classmates. Worry not, Class of 2015! Here is an abridged translation guide that might clear up

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Hundreds of Freshmen Play Essential NU Drinking Game

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EVANSTON – Freshmen passed out in droves at this year’s Wildcat Welcome, and campus administrators suspect that some type of drinking game was afoot during the lecture. Stacy Herman, the event coordinator, said the drinking game had a simple premise. “The fact of the matter is that taking a shot every time we said ‘peer pressure,’ ‘disappointment,’ or ‘started failing all my classes’ is a complete disappointment to the University and a very clear cave-in to peer pressure. I would

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Girl Who Said She “Would Die Without Her Phone” Apparently Not Kidding Around

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EDISON, NJ – Fifteen year old Sarah Murphy was found dead last night in front of her New Jersey home. After an autopsy was conducted and medical records were reviewed, doctors concluded the cause of death was Sarah’s rare, fatal form of object-oriented separation anxiety which caused her to collapse after the discovery that her phone was not in her Vera Bradley tote bag. Detectives have taken the prime phone theft suspect, 16-year-old self-proclaimed hipster Penelope Fox, into custody. No

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