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Theta Sophomore: “No one has fertilized my crops in two hours”

January 13, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Alarmed when she realized that she had neglected her plants on the Facebook application “Farmville,” Weinberg junior Mary Kate’s frustrated screams were taken out-of-context after being heard in the quad. “No one has fertilized my crops in two hours!” Kate shouted angrily. A member of Phi Mu Alpha (Northwestern’s music fraternity) happened to be walking by the Theta house when he heard Kate’s exclamation. He quickly posted the quote as his Facebook status, starting a snowball effect that quickly lost

Area A Cappella Group Leaves on Paralyzed Member to Gain Similarity to “Glee”

January 1, 2010 Chelsea Finger Leave a comment

EVANSTON—James Norton woke up in the hospital Sunday morning after new group N(e)Urythmic’s Saturday night performance with two full leg casts and a throbbing headache. Nick Simons, a fellow group member, charged him with a baseball bat while he was changing out of his sequined leotard. The motive was apparently related to the wild success of Glee, the new Fox television program. Simons said this morning that he just couldn’t stand the pressure of the Northwestern a cappella world. “Nothing

Theater Major Actually Thinks I Saw His Show

January 1, 2010 Corey Moss Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Northwestern University prides itself on its nationally acclaimed theater program. Widely recognized by students across the country, Northwestern theater prepares young artists to cope with rejection, the typical outcome of real-life performance auditions. One hopeful freshman, Jeff Sachs, is actually convinced that I was aware of and had time to attend The Taming of the Shrew, a student-organized show he worked on. Sachs, a dazed theater major, clearly faltered in logic with that thought, failing to recognize that my attendance

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Frat Busted for “Menu” in Basement

November 18, 2009 Clare Roth Leave a comment

Delta Upsilon, a predominantly undead frat, was busted earlier in the week for having a full wall in their basement dedicated to girls they had “dined and dashed” on. This wall assigned points to the most gluttonous eaters who had “hit” the most girls. The frat assigned points to each girl they had eaten or planned to eat, setting goals for larger girls that took more perseverance to eat, and red-headed girls, known as “gingers,” that were less attainable due

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Hunter Loves Meeting, Killing Celebrities

November 18, 2009 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities. “It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Compassionate Zombie Exiled By Peers, Not Allowed to Play Kickbrain

November 18, 2009 Sam Block Leave a comment

Zombie 1008 has faced untold of isolation for his extremely sensitive views on brain-eating etiquette, puppy killing and zombie baptisms. “We knew from the day he was infected he was something different,” said his blood father, #873. “We just didn’t know that different meant ‘having a heart’ instead of wanting to eat them.” 1008 likes to spend his days by the toxic green river, staring at his reflection and pondering the beauty of his molding flesh. Some have even reported that

Security Alert: Polar Bear Spotted on Lakefill

November 16, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

On the evening of Friday, November 13 at approximately 8:00 PM, multiple Northwestern students reported seeing a polar bear climb out of a mysterious and previously unnoticed hatch on the Lakefill. The students, who were leaving a “Lost” fan club meeting in Norris, reported seeing the subject leave the hatch and run north along the lake. There have been no further sightings of the subject, described as being a 500 lb. white male about six feet in length. Further investigation

Misspelling of Lunt Hall Leads to Indignation, Violence from Women’s Rights Groups

November 16, 2009 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A riot broke out on Wednesday the 11th as a typo in a local paper mistakenly misspelled the name of the Northwestern mathematics building, Lunt Hall. By accidentally substituting a single poorly-placed consonant for the “L”, writer Edward McGlonin inadvertently plunged himself into a tumultuous hell of incensed women’s rights groups, gleefully inebriated fraternity patrons, and everyone in between. When asked about the incident, McGlonin stated that “the low lighting [conditions] made the two letters look exactly the same” although

Students Arrested for Vandalizing Large Rock-like Structure

November 8, 2009 Emilia Barrose Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a shocking turn of events, Evanston police arrested three NU students for painting a rock-like structure late Friday night. “Those kids had a good three buckets of paint,” said police commissioner Danny Buckter. “They were slopping paint all over the place. Graffiti just can’t be tolerated on campus.” Buckter added, “You would think that the kids at Northwestern would have their heads screwed on right. I guess the SATs don’t test you on civic responsibility!” Mary Finkel, a Weinberg

Northwestern Issues Apology for Fake Platform 9¾ Report

November 1, 2009 Sam Block Leave a comment

CHICAGO—After sending a campus-wide email that a student has gone missing since accidentally boarding the Platform 9¾ train at Union Station, Northwestern University has discovered that this report was a hoax after the student was found sipping piña coladas and re-reading the fifth Harry Potter novel at the Union Station bar. “It was not a bonafide instance of magical kidnapping,” said a policeman, using his strongest diction possible. Widespread concern was felt because of many details in the email. The