Fraternities Institute Honor System Where Pledges Haze Themselves
“We trust that you guys are responsible enough to spank yourselves with a paddle, so we’re not gonna check for bruises,” said fraternity president Jason Clover
Category Archives: Local
Area Freshman Deeply Relates to Lost, Chubby Squirrel Frantically Seeking Hibernation Spot
Hopefully we’ll come out of this quarter stronger, huh? And more well rested.
Student Back From Study Abroad Unaware Fall Quarter Was One Quarter He Could Have Smashed Crush
“I really enjoyed my quarter abroad in London. I grew as a person and learned a lot too,” Schuster said, not knowing that on October 20, 2017, he could have made hot love to Stanton in a fleeting moment of mutual passion that can never occur again.
Freshman Braces For Long, Brutal Season of People Complaining About Winter
“Everyone here says that the complaints I’ve heard back home are nothing compared to how much people complain during a real Chicago winter.”
White Allies Second-Guessing Decision to Dress Up for MLK Day
Mertütis and Blomquist originally drew high praise from other white allies for being so progressive as to have a woman portray Martin Luther King.
Morty Shuts Down All Frats after Not Receiving Any Bids
“We just barely got out of there before Morty’s wrecking ball crew came in and demolished the whole frat quad.”
Frat Pledge: I’m Not Loving This Ratio
“What did he think the word ‘fraternity’ meant?”
Go-Getter Just Gonna Break His New Year’s Resolutions Now
“Once I saw that Extra-Large Meat Lover’s pizza on the take-out menu, I was inspired by a burst of disinterest in my future. And the promise of bacon.”
Freshman Wakes Up as UChicago Transfer After Mixing Antibiotics and Tequila
“I think I blacked out somewhere around my sixth Tequila Sunrise, and by the time I whited back in, I was sitting in a classroom inside this really gothic-looking building. All the students around me looked dead inside. I later found out I was in a Particle Physics class at UChicago.”
“This One’s for You Grandma” Says Grandson Snorting Line off Coffin
“This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place.