Northwestern to Host Swedish Pop Star 2 Chainz on Dillo Day
His most famous song, “It’s Oh So Cooperative,” an ode to their model of socially coordinated capitalism, has been a Billboard Top 100 hit in Sweden for decades.
Category Archives: Articles
Ford Design Center out of Metal as Students Create Chainz
All across campus, students can be seen wearing chainz around their necks, while pointing at females and shouting things along the lines of “she got a big booty so I call her big booty” and “bad bitch contest you in first place.”
The Origin of Northwestern University’s Motto
John Evans, then governor of Colorado, knew the land well and recognized that it was ripe for growing avocados and, thus, making the great avocado by-product of guacamole.
Man Who Doesn’t Follow Football Fails to Create Accurate Mock Draft
Walters predicted that the Jaguars would draft an actual jaguar with the third overall pick. “I don’t think there’s a rule football players need to be human. The Jaguars will never lose again with this pick!”
Class Delayed Ninety Minutes by Incessant Shushing
Someone in the back went ‘Shhhhh,’ and someone else ‘Shhhhh’ed’ back at him. Pretty soon, everyone was constantly making that damned noise so I couldn’t get a word in.
STUDY: Walking with Chipotle Bag More Dangerous Than Walking With a Million Dollars
It should be noted that when the Chipotle bags contained a burrito with guacamole on it, the rate of assault went up %1.80 as compared with the burritos without guacamole.
The 2014 Spring Formal Draft Helps Students Pick Dates
We’ve rated Northwestern’s top 100 prospects, from the good to the bad to the nonexistent. Just like the NFL draft, we’re not picking any RBs and we’re definitely not picking Kain Colter.
Mother’s Day Spawns Chaos in Lesbian Household
The two wives debated the extent to which Mother’s Day was a means for people who love each other to express their feelings or yet further evidence of institutionalized sexism within our great nation’s borders.
Man Eats Both Nature Valley Granola Bars at Once Like a Goddamn Barbarian
“Frankly, we at Nature Valley find this behavior a violation of our product, and Torrey’s eating habits in no way reflect the kind of consumer we wish to attract,” said John Baringer, president of public relations at Nature Valley. “Seriously, what a goddamn ape.”
REPORT: $2 Hotdogs More Likely to Cause Cancer than Cure It
The study, authored by Dr. Kevin Fisher, stunned the medical community by hypothesizing a correlation between consumption of pork by-product and negative health effects, regardless of any charitable intent behind consuming said pork by-product.