Katie Couric Takes Northwestern Tour, Daughter Might Enroll
“Where will we stop next?” Couric tweeted. “I don’t know, but I’m really looking forward to some Edzo’s! #NOM #OSUSucks #alsoWisconsinandMinnesota”
Category Archives: Articles
Freshman Starting to Like Eating Lunch Alone, Actually
“When I come in and grab my grilled cheese and look out at all of the people sitting together whom I don’t know,” said Monroe, “I really don’t get that phased. That just means I can text my mom or read the newspaper.”
Northwestern Launches Pre-Mohel Major
Silverman went on to explain that while the demand for other majors may wane in the future, the need for Mohels will be constant. “Engineers are all going to be unemployed once the economy collapses, doctors are all going to be replaced by pills one day. But, as long as Jews keep making baby boys, there are going to be good jobs for Mohels.”
Photo Slideshow: ASG Proposes Additional Bans
Given the success and unanimous support of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government’s latest move to ban on-campus tobacco possession, student representatives recently proposed a large number of additional bans designed to improve student life.
Obama Finished with GTA V Campaign, Government Resumes
“You know, most people just go through the game and do what you’re supposed to,” stated Obama. “I am the kind of guy that likes to kill every single damn person in the game. Twice. This is easier said than done.”
NFL Referees Really Do Hate Your Team
McKinley explained that referees have always held a grudge against your team but no one quite remembers why. For that reason, they feel obligated to overlook “holding” calls, declare touchdowns invalid, and penalize your team for false starts at every opportunity.
Freshman Psych Major Was “Totally Sober,” Only Conducting Research
“I got this idea to test whether people would act differently around me while I was drunk, so I pretended to be drunk,” Taylor added. “I had a few drinks, of course, but only so people would believe that I’d been drinking.”
Daily Northwestern Reporter Fails to Write Football Article, Enters Catatonic State
When the Gophers began to score, the article, along with Olsen’s mental state, took a turn for the worse. Close friends witnessed Olsen banging on her keyboard furiously, shouting various slurs against Minnesotans and gophers.
North West Admitted into Northwestern Class of 2035
The offer comes with a full-ride scholarship to Northwestern University, which is projected to charge tuition of over $200,000 a year by the time of West’s possible matriculation in 2031.
Schapiro Vows to Build Theme Park on Campus
“We noticed that we were leasing out land in the geographic center of that campus to some church or something,” said Schapiro. “We’re going to have our lawyers find a way out of that, and then we’ll have a big plot of land for construction.”