Evanston Congresswoman Arrested for Being a Model Citizen
“Members of Congress are expected to comply with the long-upheld standard of doing nothing right,” said Head of Congressional Security Ron Mullins.
Category Archives: Articles
Freshman Method Acting Class Disrupts Traffic
Northwestern students and faculty alike were dismayed Wednesday afternoon to discover a barricade made mainly of desks, chairs, stolen bikes, and Norris at Night giveaway water bottles completely blocking Sheridan Road.
Franz Ferdinand Chased out of Town by Pitchfork Magazine-Wielding Mob
“In the year 1959, the groundbreaking suspense-thriller and Hitchcock classic North by Northwest took the American cinema culture by storm, taking on issues like sexuality and pioneering the concept of a spy thriller long before they were accepted in the mainstream film industry,” shouted one angry protester.
Army-Navy Game Canceled, Army at Syria to Go on as Scheduled
The Air Force, Navy, and Army football games were put into jeopardy due to the government shutdown that began last Tuesday. The upcoming match in Syria will continue the rivalry between the Army and nearly every team in the MEC (Middle Eastern Conference).
Students Complain about Evanston Residents’ Party
“This is a college town, a place for quiet study nights and no fun whatsoever. I’ve had just about enough of these Evanston residents interfering with my college lifestyle,” said a third-floor resident who wished to remain anonymous.
Ted Cruz Filibusters Wife’s Board Game Night Decision
Senator Cruz touched upon the Socialist implications of randomly distributing cards to the players and having a equitably rotating judge pick a card based on its humor or applicability.
Cooper Manning Leads New York Giants to 0-5 Start
The older brother of quarterbacks Peyton and Eli Manning, Cooper was diagnosed with spinal stenosis when he was 18, seemingly ending his athletic career. But more than 20 years later, he has made his return to football as a 39-year-old rookie for the Giants.
STUDY: The Ohio State University is Worst Institution
“Our study compared The Ohio State University to not only formally structured institutions such as the Ku Klux Klan and Al Qaeda, but also societal institutions such as bigotry and poverty,” said leading author Professor Richard Ashley.
Cru Converts Student to Christianity, a First-Ever Accomplishment for the Group
Even though Cru’s rate of conversion has always been 0%, Cru has never given up knocking on NU students’ doors. Their mission is to spread awareness of a religion that is already practiced by 80% of the country and that is well-understood by anyone who doesn’t live under a rock.
You Better Fucking Believe There are Girls at This Party, Sources Say
According to sources deep in the heart of the fraternity quad, you better go all-in on that party tonight, because wow, is there some serious babe-age over there.