Ezra Pound: “I Really Admire Your Wildcat Spirit”
A sea of purple shirts, without interruption or impurity, all rallying around the leadership of the great Pat Fitzgerald – what could be more beautiful? Nothing, I feel.
Category Archives: Articles
STUDY: Under 10% of High School Graduates Prepared to Draw Bell Curves
The report demonstrates that “Bell Curve Degeneracy,” a metric developed exclusively for the report, increased from 0 to 307 between 2008 and 2012.
ASG Elections Kidnapping Plot Foiled
“The race for padding resumés with bullshit positions has never been more intense,” said Neil Mantle, Allison’s Area Coordinator. “We were afraid something like this might happen eventually.”
House GOP Concerned Female Fed Reserve Chair Might Waste Dollars on Shoes, Birth Control
Members of the House Tea Party Caucus, who frequently represents the period-costume-wearing wing of the Republican Party, began circulating a memo urging Republican senators to reject the nomination.
Republicans Privately Advocating for Return to Articles of Confederation
The Articles do not contain a president, a Supreme Court, congressional power of taxation, or congressional power to regulate trade. Such a proposal thus represents a minor increase in Republican demands during negotiations.
BREAKING: Bad Chemistry Professor Arrested for Meth Production
Students were somewhat confused when Holmes revealed the title of the following week’s experiment, ‘Cooking with Lithium.” Confusion grew when the pre-lab assignment proved to be nothing but a shopping list of various cleaning chemicals.
POINT / COUNTERPOINT: “Should Northwestern Offer Study Abroad in Canada?”
Professor Arthur Butz, Holocaust denier, and Professor Ari Silverman, Arthur Butz denier, square off on whether NU should offer study abroad options with our northerly neighbors.
Freshman to Pursue Acting Career after “Being Discovered” on ESPN College GameDay
“During those magical two seconds that the College GameDay camera was on me, I felt like I had finally realized my purpose in life,” said Weinberg freshman Horatio Del Toro. “I’d never felt more alive.”
Congress Refuses to Compromise between Parties
Bars in the District of Columbia have been filled with congressmen all month, and private parties are held almost daily.
NU Student from Ohio Exiled for Rooting for Northwestern
“I just can’t believe she could ever think any school was better than THE Ohio State University,” her former best friend said. “Just because she goes to that school doesn’t mean she can actually want them to be successful.”