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Man returns iPhone 4S after alleged sexual harassment

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

TOPEKA – One man of Tecumseh, Kansas who prefers to be referred to only as “Brian,” is filing charges against Apple for sexual harassment by the new iPhone’s voice-recognizing assistant. “It all started off alright,” Brian said, “I was excited about the new update, I unboxed it right away…it all seemed so normal.” Brian says that he should’ve taken the phone’s first interaction with him more seriously. “I started it up, and the first thing it said was, ‘What’s your

Gothic Rock Band “The Flying Buttresses” a Soaring Success

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire – From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like “Hey You, Get off of My Pew,” “Us and Him,” and “I’ve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ain’t One,” The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass. The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to

Midterm to Test Freshmen’s Basic Human Skills

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder One comment

EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills. This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene. Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats

Kobe Bryant Unlocks NBA’s Chastity Belt; Stern Says Put a Ring on It

October 25, 2011 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.” Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered

Congress Would Rather Sit on Their Asses

October 25, 2011 Tara McManus Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – Congress has voted down the latest edition of President Obama’s jobs bill that would have legally required Americans to get jobs. The proposal was met with fierce opposition from Congressmen who would rather sit on their asses instead. The vote has been interpreted by political analysts as a legislative act defending the rights of the lazy. Senators gave impassioned speeches about the freedom to “do absolutely nothing” and to “be a couch potato,” saying that Americans have a

Prisoner Release Stalled While Israelis Refused to Pay Shipping & Handling

October 18, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

JERUSALEM – Efforts to secure Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit’s release after five years of captivity hit an unexpected obstacle at the 11th hour Tuesday morning. Israeli officials were up in arms over a $4.99 shipping and handling surcharge levied by Gaza militant leaders Hamas, reportedly threatening to issue a charge-back on the MasterCard if Hamas “continually refuse[d] to honor the original arrangement.” Despite threats of an Israeli walk-out, tensions were finally relieved as Hamas graciously agreed to waive the fee

Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success

October 18, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. “We are

Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win

October 18, 2011 Laken Howard Leave a comment

EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. “I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most

Northwestern to Replace Football Team with Real Athletes

October 18, 2011 Laura McGehee Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team. “The fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,” Harrison said. “We realized

Trix Rabbit Eludes NU Defense, Eats First Ever Bowl of Trix

October 18, 2011 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

IOWA CITY, IA – Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday. “We just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,” a Northwestern linebacker, who wished