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Former Heavyweight Champ Joe Frazier Dies after Fight with Liver Cancer

November 11, 2011 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In a shocking turn of events, boxing icon Joe Frazier finally succumbed to his injuries sustained from liver cancer this past Monday. Although many know of his exploits on the canvas, few are aware that the 5’11” champ was hell-bent on “taking out cancer”. Shortly after he retired, and against the direct advice of many professionals, he began a campaign to “beat cancer the only way I know how: with my fists”. Frazier became notorious in certain hospital circles

Medill Students Uncover UChicago Plot to Suck the Fun Out of Evanston

November 11, 2011 Alejandro Marichal Leave a comment

EVANSTON – A team of students from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism released a report Tuesday revealing a widespread conspiracy by the University of Chicago to suck the fun out of Evanston. According to the report, numerous members of the Evanston City Council had close ties to UChicago, whose students often jokingly refer to their alma mater as “where fun goes to die.” The administrators apparently received substantial campaign contributions from members of the university’s administration. In turn, the UChicago

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Kim Kardashian Goes as Gold-Digger for Halloween

November 11, 2011 Lauren Schneider One comment

LOS ANGELES – Needlessly famous woman Kim Kardashian decided to go all-out this past Halloween. On October 31, 2011, in an effort to complete her (sexy) gold-digger costume, Kardashian wore black Victoria’s Secret lingerie, a $2 million engagement ring, and filed for divorce from her ridiculously overpaid husband Kris Humphries. Humphries, a player for the NBA, was utterly shocked. “She just waltzed right in wearing nothing but lingerie and waved the divorce petition around like it was some sort of

Freshman Still Believes She Will Visit Chicago Sometime

November 11, 2011 Alex Chudler Leave a comment

EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year. “During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained. “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure! Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold. It gets really cold in Chicago,

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73% Find Sorority Preview “Terrifying”

November 11, 2011 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – According to a study performed by the Psychology Department at Northwestern University on Tuesday, 73% of participating freshmen were “absolutely terrified” by sorority recruitment preview. “It’s really understandable,” Panhellenic Council President Sarah Borges commented. “Six hours of inane small talk, uncomfortable fashion, and tightly-stretched fake smiles? It’s a lot like Dante’s fourth circle of Hell.” Following this Saturday’s six-hour marathon of lightning rounds of frivolous chitchat, outdated traditions like door chants, and judgmental looks over awkwardly eaten food

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Live Tweeting From Lupe, Matt and Kim

November 11, 2011 Laken Howard Leave a comment

This article was purposefully left unedited. “bout to get #whitegirlwasted” “Wating in line for this bus omf it’s cold as shit y is it so cold uagg” “I shouldn’t hav drank al that win lololololol” “”maybe I should just put my camera up my vagina” @maria_fd9 hahaahhahah #kinkybitch” “I know exactly 2 lupe and 2 m&k songs. Let’s hope they just play them the whole time” “OMG ITS FUCKIN COLD LET US N LUPE” “My nipples are going to be

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NU Cuisine Launches New Breakfast Slogan: “The Best $10 Bagel You’ll Ever Eat!”

November 11, 2011 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an attempt to increase dining hall attendance during the 7:30-11:00 breakfast period, NU Cuisine has hired a new PR team to revamp the image of the meal without actually spending any money to improve it. “We’ve received a lot of complaints,” Allison dining hall manager Chris Hynde told me as we sat down for a shockingly expensive breakfast of greasy hash browns, stale Rice Krispies, and watery coffee. “A lot of students feel that a roughly ten-dollar

Asian Parents Disappointed that Rice Game Was about Football

November 11, 2011 Sam Gutelle One comment

Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.

Read more Local, No. 67

Area Girl Skips Pretense, Just Dresses as a Slut

November 2, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

While her friends decided to go as traditional sexy characters like naughty nurses and French maids or wear nonsensical sexy inanimate object costumes, like a sexy Mrs. Potato Head or a slutty pumpkin, Engel made the bold decision to just go as a slut.

Autopsy reveals Gaddafi died after tripping over his own name

November 2, 2011 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

TRIPOLI – An autopsy performed on the body of Muammar Gaddafi revealed that the former Libyan premier died not from a gunshot wound as was originally believed but instead from blunt force trauma sustained when he tripped over the spelling of his own name. He promptly went tumbling down the stairs in his Sirte safe house, causing internal injuries from which he would not recover. One of Gaddafi’s right hand men, Tarek Al-Abgari, confirmed this finding. “He was just standing