Articles | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: Articles

Dillo Day Issue: Confused Student Wears ACE Bandage for Nelly Set

May 29, 2010 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.” Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left

Dillo Day Issue: Top 10 Reasons Nelly Wears a Band-aid

May 29, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

He got hit when he let loose his “Pimp Juice” He wasn’t paying attention when the ump said “Batter Up” It got a little rough when she went over to “My Place” “Tip drill” gone bad “Ridin’” with an Axe Murderer Angry Redneck attacked him for correcting his “Country Grammar” Cut himself opening the only copy sold of “Brass Knuckles” To cover up the scuff mark when he was kicked in the face by some “Air Force Ones” Got a

Gender Studies Department Announces NU Teach-In Series’ New Game-Spitting Seminar

May 21, 2010 Jesse Mumm

EVANSTON—A controversial new initiative sponsored by the Gender Studies department intends to revive customs long thought by intellectual heavyweights to be part and parcel of outmoded gender concepts. Though it may be difficult to imagine now, there was once a time when women had to fend off the attentions of men on campus, who would approach them, signal their interest, begin a conversation, and finally ask them out to some form of social gathering. The women, it was reported, would

Deepwater Horizon Point-Counterpoint

May 21, 2010 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

We All Need to Do Our Part to Save the Ocean By Dr. Floyd M.F. Jenkins British Petroleum, more commonly known as BP, caused a terrible accident this month when their oil rig malfunctioned and began leaking. This is a new breed of oil spill — while earlier incidents (such as the Exxon-Valdez disaster) had a finite quantity of pollutant that was confined to the contents of a tanker, here the oil supply is basically limitless. This leak, which has

NBC Unveils New Drama, 24: Lost

May 20, 2010 Michael Anders Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD—NBC executives announced today the launch of a brand new drama which will debut next fall. It’s called 24: Lost and will focus on a protagonist, Shepherd Bauer who tries to prevent terrorist attacks on a strange island. According to producers, the drama will feature numerous twists and turns which will shock the audience like nothing they have ever seen before. The Flipside has obtained a leaked script for an episode from the first season which surely serves as an

Arizona to Build Fence of Liberty

May 14, 2010 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

PHOENIX—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R) announced this week that the state would be building a Fence of Liberty to greet all those crossing over the border from Mexico. The new structure will be covered in copper, with armed guard towers aloft every 100 yards. On the US side, the fence will read July IV MDCCLXXVI, commemorating the Declaration of Independence, while on the Mexican side it will read April XXIII MMX, commemorating the passage of Arizona Senate Bill 1070, the

Porn Wave Forces Laptop ER Into Triage

May 14, 2010 Jesse Mumm Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In what is being called the worst wave of viral attacks in recent years, Northwestern’s Laptop ER service was plunged into frantic technical support overtime as dozens of—mostly male—students brought in their computers after a crippling wave of pornographic entertainment. Although often considered harmless, the sex came with a price: viruses, worms, and predatory infections, often causing their victims to seize up—or stop functioning altogether. “We’ve seen this kind of thing before, but never this bad,” said ER Specialist Derek

Northwestern to Retire John Paul Stevens’ Number

May 14, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Due to a dearth of athletic achievement at Northwestern, the University has decided to hang a banner in honor of retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. Justice Stevens attended Northwestern Law School before making it all the way to the Supreme Court. The banner will feature the number of cases he participated in below his last name. One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right

Econ Major Learning About Prisoner’s Dilemma Again

May 14, 2010 Sam Gutelle One comment

EVANSTON—Katherine Eisner, a Weinberg economics major, was dismayed to hear that she would be once again learning about the famous Prisoner’s Dilemma in her game theory class. “Great,” sighed an exasperated Eisner, “just great. I don’t think it stuck the first 12 times I learned it, but 13th time’s the charm, right?” “The Prisoner’s Dilemma is a fundamental and central example in the field of game theory,” explained Joan Docter, Eisner’s professor, “and it is impossible to proceed without first

NU Day at Wrigley Causes Students to Question Merits of Cubs, Fans, Life

May 14, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

CHICAGO—Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was. “Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?” “Nothing,” Atkins added. Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition