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SafeRide Considers Name Change after Three-Fatality Crash

November 3, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an unprecedented move on Monday, the president of SafeRide announced that the organization was considering a name change after one of its vehicles T-boned a minivan, killing two of its own passengers and the driver of the other car. “Safety obviously isn’t part of our image anymore,” said Michael Grossman, the president of the organization. While numerous apologies and public statements have been made since the accident, this is the first that denotes any change in policy.

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NU Best in Midwest, Second in Qatar

November 3, 2010 Tyler Dillon Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch fell short of the University’s overall ranking, reaching only second place in the Middle Eastern nation. The international campus, home to journalism and communication programs, fell just below the Doha Academy of Advanced Explosive Weaponry (DAAEW). Editors at the magazine cited prospects for future graduates

Grandmother Found in Wrong Elder Residential Community

November 2, 2010 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON—To the delight of her family, missing senior citizen Winifred Leibowitz reappeared on Wednesday when she wandered into the lobby of Elder Residential Community. She was not let back up into the dorm rooms because she did not have a valid Wildcard. Mrs. Leibowitz says she mistook Elder Residential Community, the newly renovated North Campus dormitory, for the assisted living community her children had suggested she make her new residence. “I just saw all the darling children and assumed they

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Flipside Sets Up “Shelter” at the Rock, Bear Grylls Impressed

November 2, 2010 Zach Silva Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In an attempt to promote last week’s issue of the Flipside, three students proceeded to use the tools given to them by Norris Outdoors to create a shelter for those planning to sleep at the Rock overnight. With a few yards of rope, two large boulders borrowed from the Harris Hall construction site, and all of the equipment provided in a tent’s packaging, the three proceeded to build an improvised lean-to that sophomore Michael Guhin claimed “could only be described

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French Protesters Waking Up Before Noon for the First Time Since They Last Rioted

November 2, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

MARSEILLE, FRANCE—French rioters, upset over proposed austerity measures that would see them working an additional 2 years before retirement, have taken to waking up at 10AM to prove just how serious they really are. “It’s all about the precedent,” 26-year-old government notary Paul Mailloux told me over a breakfast of freshly-baked breads and pastries as we sat down on the terrace of his high-rise apartment, enjoying the gorgeous view of Marseille’s famous Jardin des Vestiges. “If we give them a

Apple Releases Lion, Thirty-seven Dead at Microsoft

November 2, 2010 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

Microsoft reps: “We were still recovering from Snow Leopard. That fucker has really messed up our customer base in Siberia.”

Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits about Reading

November 1, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Evanston resident and self-described “gadget nerd” Eric Thompson spent nearly $200 on an Amazon Kindle today despite the fact that he hasn’t read a book in nearly three years. “I just feel like these things are the future of reading, you know?” Thompson stated from the couch in his living room. “These e-ink screens are all the rage now, and I feel like if I don’t buy one of these babies, I won’t be able to read anything when physical

President of New Hipster Frat: We Were Greek Before it was Cool

November 1, 2010 Rhaina Cohen Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A new fraternity has recently joined the 17 nationally-recognized fraternities at Northwestern. Informally dubbed the “Hipster Frat,” the organization is currently unnamed. According to president Hudson Tyler, undecided Weinberg junior, frat names are too “mainstream” for the group. The fraternity claims that with its laid-back atmosphere it will offer an “alternative” experience at a college where everyone on North Campus except the Slivka kids are involved in Greek life. With a toss of his unwashed bangs, member Charles Kingston assured

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Evanston Vampires Pretty Damn Tired of Spending All Their Time at Burger King

November 1, 2010 Chris Anderson Leave a comment

EVANSTON—If you ask any member of the Evanston vampire community, you’ll find they have something that’s been bothering them: they are getting pretty goddamn tired of spending all their time at Burger King. According to one such vampire, Count Wilhelm Von Terror, the Evanston undead scene lacks nearly all the amenities found in nearly all other cities. “Basically, you have two types of vampire hotspots around the world. There are your old vampire communities like Transylvania, where you spend most

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Medill Innocence Project Successfully Causes Two Students to Lose Virginity

October 27, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—The Medill Innocence Project, one of Northwestern’s hallmark programs, is known for freeing innocent citizens from death row, but that wasn’t enough for Professor David Protess. In order to give students the breadth of experience promised in the curriculum, Protess has begun mandating that students lose their innocence in order to fully understand it. “Students can undertake this assignment a variety of ways, including reverse cowgirl,” said Protess, winner of the Puffin Institute Prize for Creative Citizenship and once voted