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French Protesters Waking Up Before Noon for the First Time Since They Last Rioted

November 2, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

MARSEILLE, FRANCE—French rioters, upset over proposed austerity measures that would see them working an additional 2 years before retirement, have taken to waking up at 10AM to prove just how serious they really are. “It’s all about the precedent,” 26-year-old government notary Paul Mailloux told me over a breakfast of freshly-baked breads and pastries as we sat down on the terrace of his high-rise apartment, enjoying the gorgeous view of Marseille’s famous Jardin des Vestiges. “If we give them a

Apple Releases Lion, Thirty-seven Dead at Microsoft

November 2, 2010 Tom Shimandle Leave a comment

Microsoft reps: “We were still recovering from Snow Leopard. That fucker has really messed up our customer base in Siberia.”

Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits about Reading

November 1, 2010 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Evanston resident and self-described “gadget nerd” Eric Thompson spent nearly $200 on an Amazon Kindle today despite the fact that he hasn’t read a book in nearly three years. “I just feel like these things are the future of reading, you know?” Thompson stated from the couch in his living room. “These e-ink screens are all the rage now, and I feel like if I don’t buy one of these babies, I won’t be able to read anything when physical

President of New Hipster Frat: We Were Greek Before it was Cool

November 1, 2010 Rhaina Cohen Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A new fraternity has recently joined the 17 nationally-recognized fraternities at Northwestern. Informally dubbed the “Hipster Frat,” the organization is currently unnamed. According to president Hudson Tyler, undecided Weinberg junior, frat names are too “mainstream” for the group. The fraternity claims that with its laid-back atmosphere it will offer an “alternative” experience at a college where everyone on North Campus except the Slivka kids are involved in Greek life. With a toss of his unwashed bangs, member Charles Kingston assured

Evanston Vampires Pretty Damn Tired of Spending All Their Time at Burger King

November 1, 2010 Chris Anderson Leave a comment

EVANSTON—If you ask any member of the Evanston vampire community, you’ll find they have something that’s been bothering them: they are getting pretty goddamn tired of spending all their time at Burger King. According to one such vampire, Count Wilhelm Von Terror, the Evanston undead scene lacks nearly all the amenities found in nearly all other cities. “Basically, you have two types of vampire hotspots around the world. There are your old vampire communities like Transylvania, where you spend most

Medill Innocence Project Successfully Causes Two Students to Lose Virginity

October 27, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

EVANSTON—The Medill Innocence Project, one of Northwestern’s hallmark programs, is known for freeing innocent citizens from death row, but that wasn’t enough for Professor David Protess. In order to give students the breadth of experience promised in the curriculum, Protess has begun mandating that students lose their innocence in order to fully understand it. “Students can undertake this assignment a variety of ways, including reverse cowgirl,” said Protess, winner of the Puffin Institute Prize for Creative Citizenship and once voted

“Don’t Worry, Cubs Will Win Super Bowl Someday,” Reports Area Girlfriend

October 27, 2010 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year. It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball. “Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me.

Chilean Miners Surprised to See Humans Have Yet to Evolve

October 20, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

COPIAPO, CHILE—Chilean miners were taken aback last Tuesday when they emerged from the mine to a world almost identical to the one they had left. “To be honest, we were imagining a Planet of the Apes scenario. At the very least, we assumed people would have evolved past the point of chinstrap facial hair,” Jose Rodriguez, the second miner to emerge, said. The miners listed the economic crisis, the Gulf Coast oil remnants, and world hunger as problems they couldn’t

Howard Dean Disappoints Debate Crowd With Lack Of Funny Noises

October 20, 2010 Alex Hampl Leave a comment

In front of a full Pick-Staiger auditorium last Wednesday, Howard Dean disappointed many supporters by not making any funny noises during his debate with former senator Rick Santorum. Dean’s constituency was devastated.