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Area Student Rides Longboard; Arrested for Believing Himself Cool

May 14, 2010 Dr. D.F. Xavier Rubino Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Winston “Chet” Moscowitz was arrested shortly past noon on Friday for riding a longboard, when campus managed to tackle and subsequently subdue him, but not before fracturing two ribs. Police officer Daniel Lucerin commented on the incident: “When we see those kids on their skateboards, it’s not so much an issue of public safety. No, this is much more about knowing one’s place. There’s a hierarchy in place here. If chess-clubbers like Moscowitz thinks he’s cool, what next? Aspirations? Dreams?

John Mayer’s Agents Announce Strategic Career Move To Kill Off John Mayer

May 6, 2010 Brad Horras Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES—In a press conference Tuesday, the management team for 32-year-old American musician John Mayer unveiled the next step in building his popularity. “He must die,” manager Michael McDonald told the gathering. “With John’s untimely death in the coming year, we’re confident that he will be cemented right up there with all the greats of popular music. His current fans will become superfans, and those who once found him annoying will respect him as having been ‘actually pretty talented.’ It’s

Arizona Cops to Recieve Training in Racial Profiling

May 6, 2010 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

PHOENIX, ARIZONA—The Arizona police department released a statement yesterday saying that an addition of 3 million dollars will supplement the police budget in order to improve the racial profiling skills of its officers. This spending increase comes on the heels of SB1070, which requires officers to ask for papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. According to Governor Jan Brewer, “The program will have very similar goals as the program that enabled the Department of Homeland Security

EA Sports Announces New Willpower Attribute in Madden 2011

May 6, 2010 Steve Won One comment

MAITLAND, FLORIDA—Electronic Arts, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.” “We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.” Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power

Team of Archaeologists to Find Rumored Einstein’s Bagels

May 6, 2010 Sam Hazlett 3 comments

EVANSTON—Legend tells of an Einstein Bros. Bagels on campus. Every once in a while, somebody claims to have caught a glimpse of the yellow letters that make up the title, but nobody can identify its exact location. It’s as if whoever built this store never intended for it to actually get any business. After much research and deliberation, a team of archaeologists has decided to make it their mission to find it. The legend of the Einstein Bros. Bagels has

Commissioner Stern Reinstates NBA Doesn’t Care Charity

May 6, 2010 Sam Block Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy. “I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the co How To Talk To An Ex Girlfriend You Want Back mmunity.” Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this

Area Nerd Still in Search of Hogwarts Application

May 6, 2010 Emilia Barrose Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts. Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications. “Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how

Evanston Whole Foods to Become Retirement Home

May 6, 2010 Michael Anders Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65. “I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”.

Obama to Decide Between Dredd and Fudge

May 6, 2010 Jay Calhoun

WASHINGTON—As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge. Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has

CW to Make Show About Pretty White Girl with Problems in Big City

April 18, 2010 Jay Calhoun Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD—The CW has announced that come this fall they will air a new show called My Problems, a sitcom about a rich white girl placed in a new environment. The creator hinted at plot points including the main character meeting mostly white friends with one minority represented, one of her male friends turning out to be gay, and a tough decision between two gorgeous men. Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesperson, remarked: “We at the CW felt that we didn’t have