Category Archives: Articles

Student’s Facebook Mysteriously Undergoes Massive Changes All at Once

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Around 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to “I love the smell of dick in the morning” and his birthday to that day. “I no we have nott spoken in monkths,” writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, “but my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.” “I’m gay now,” he posted right after. Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend

Read more Local, No. 29, Year 2

Knicks Replace Team with Life-Size Replicas

Leave a comment

NEW YORK—In an effort to further reduce payroll, the Knicks have traded all of their remaining players for cheaper replicas. The replicas are life size models and realistic in nearly every respect. It takes a very trained eye to notice the difference. Avid Knicks fan Spike Lee has been attending games for years and only recently discovered that former Knick Nate Robinson was just an inflatable doll. When asked for details on the deal, Team President Donnie Walsh called it

Read more No. 29, Sports, Year 2

NU Unveils Updated iPhone App, Enables Direct Chat With Morty

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features. “Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman. “Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative

Read more Local, No. 28, Sci/Tech

Diary of Anne Frank Stored Away in Secret Annex

Leave a comment

CULPEPPER, VA—Parents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frank’s erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frank’s most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a “vagina.” Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the district’s schools. “My daughter is

Read more No. 28, Politics

Medill 2030 Shifts Focus to Students Pursuing Other More Profitable Careers

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—With newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demos’ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world. Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and law—professions that actually have jobs available. “We call it New Journalism,” explained Medill Dean Levine. “The emphasis tends to be

Read more Local, No. 28

NU Emergency Notifications Drunk-Texts NU Student Body

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.” Rivers, like many other NU students, has been victimized by NU Emergency Notifications, an automated voice designed to help keep students aware of developing emergencies on campus. On Tuesday, the voice had apparently downed

Read more Local

Blue Team and Gold Team Play Football Game, Reports Area Girlfriend

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan. “At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was,

Read more Issue 27, Sports, Year 2

Area Man Grows Weed in Farmville, Sells it to Mafia Wars

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—Local farmer Buck Jansen was involved in a drug bust Thursday after selling marijuana to local mobster Joe Zamboni, authorities said. Jansen, a highly respected farmer in the area, is best known for his completion of Level Two Daffodil Mastery after just one day of farming. Locals are shocked at this sudden turn of morality. “Last time I checked his page, Jansen had rescued a lonely pink cow from his farm,” said Farmville resident Johnson Smith. “He was always willing

Read more Entertainment

Anchorman Quotation Reaches Millionth Out-of-Context Use

Leave a comment

EVANSTON—As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a

Read more Entertainment, Issue 26, Local, Year 2
« Older Entries Recent Entries »