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True Cause of Global Warming Discovered

November 15, 2009 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

WASHINGTON—The EPA recently released a shocking comprehensive report in which they revealed the true cause of global warming: the end of the Cold War. Although the Cold War neared its end twenty years ago with the collapse of the Berlin Wall, its effects on global temperatures are just now being discovered. According to lead scientist Bill Nye, “the frigid diplomatic relations between the United States and the former USSR were the chief source of global cooling and an effective combatant

Read more Issue 22, Politics, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Linguist Stumped by New Soulja Boy Song

November 14, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

BOSTON—Thomas Fine, a linguistics professor at Harvard University, reported that he was “stumped for the first time in his life” after trying to analyze the words in Soulja Boy’s new single, “Trix be smackin my 24s, nah?” After a full perusal of the song’s lyrics, Fine concluded that the rapper’s lyrics “do not match up with any sort of language ever observed in the vast canon of human speech.” Fine began his press release by speaking on Soulja Boy’s rhyme

Read more Entertainment, Issue 22, Sci/Tech, Year 2

Students Arrested for Vandalizing Large Rock-like Structure

November 8, 2009 Emilia Barrose Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a shocking turn of events, Evanston police arrested three NU students for painting a rock-like structure late Friday night. “Those kids had a good three buckets of paint,” said police commissioner Danny Buckter. “They were slopping paint all over the place. Graffiti just can’t be tolerated on campus.” Buckter added, “You would think that the kids at Northwestern would have their heads screwed on right. I guess the SATs don’t test you on civic responsibility!” Mary Finkel, a Weinberg

Freshman Point Guard Misunderstands Meaning of “Pregame”

November 8, 2009 Sam Gutelle Leave a comment

EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.” Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d

Disney Slays Mickey Mouse, Reveals Evil German Replacement

November 8, 2009 Amanda Simmons Leave a comment

ORLANDO, FL—After announcing plans to retire its trademark cartoon, Disney unveiled yesterday its new icon, Mick Maus. A company spokesperson, Sven Britton, said the change is indicative of Disney’s shift in target audience from the family sector to surly teen-aged douchebags. According to Britton, Maus’s newly-penned back story details his past as a juvenile delinquent. “He wears a lot of black. He blows cigarette smoke in your face just because he can. He’s generally the type of tool you take

Read more Entertainment, Issue 21, Year 2

Ask The Flipside – Swine Flu

November 7, 2009 Andrew Gresik Leave a comment

Dear NU Flipside, Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse? Sincerely, James Walshington Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival

Beanie Baby Collection Solidifies Area Grandma as Investing Powerhouse

November 2, 2009 Brad Horras Leave a comment

WILMETTE, IL—Area grandma Gertrude Smith catapulted herself to untold riches last week after closing on her 12-year financial plan, which involved investing in Ty Beanie Babies. The sale of her 270 beloved sacks of beads, worth almost nothing, inexplicably raised her net worth to an estimated $1.8 Billion. The plush animals, a fad from 1997, were snatched up by rabid consumers and hoarded as rare collector’s items, despite having been as readily available as water. Many cited the future potential

Large Facebook Group Causes South Dakota to Lose Statehood

November 2, 2009 Ben Miner One comment

WASHINGTON—What started as a feud between 12-year-olds became something much more when Joe Hansen became the millionth person to join the Facebook group “One Million Against South Dakota”. When Hansen joined the group at 3:58 A.M. on October 30th, President Obama, who had been following the group closely since its start, promptly signed the executive order to revoke South Dakota’s statehood. “As president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they don’t like South

Northwestern Issues Apology for Fake Platform 9¾ Report

November 1, 2009 Sam Block Leave a comment

CHICAGO—After sending a campus-wide email that a student has gone missing since accidentally boarding the Platform 9¾ train at Union Station, Northwestern University has discovered that this report was a hoax after the student was found sipping piña coladas and re-reading the fifth Harry Potter novel at the Union Station bar. “It was not a bonafide instance of magical kidnapping,” said a policeman, using his strongest diction possible. Widespread concern was felt because of many details in the email. The

CUBS WIN WORLD SERIES!

November 1, 2009 Nick Zessis Leave a comment

Coach Dave Takes Team Out for Pizza